Pilgrimage

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." - Job 36:16

The last few weeks have been flashes of light and darkness. Movement between culture shock and homesickness, and spiritual growth and joy in pursuing my calling. I have cried. I have questioned. I have found solace in conversations and reading. I have been inspired by the teaching of God's word.

Experiencing such a diversity of thought and emotion makes it difficult to neatly package my thoughts to present to you. I'm not sure there will be a definite conclusion or even clarity of thought, but more that this will be an avenue for me to process some significant steps of my journey so far.

I had been struggling with some very heavy anxiety in prior weeks. Last Sunday the Spirit led me to the right church service paired with the right conversation that churned my heart until it finally rested on peace again. I realized the severe pressure I had been placing on myself and am striving to choose a different approach. One that reflects quality work, but acknowledges limits and encompasses joy. I know it will be a process to find this balance, but I'm committed to caring for myself in that way.

I have already seen the fruit of that effort - life-giving laughter in the midst of my workload, realization of shared experience and desires amongst my cohort, regained focus on my purpose for being here, and increased perspective on how God desires to use me in this season. The last on the list is far exceeding anything I could have ever imagined... Loved ones, many of you, claimed that I was to come here just as much for myself as for others that I would meet. That truth is being made clearer in my heart every day, and while I feel that it brings with it much responsibility it also brings a new lens for seeing my personal impact for Christ's kingdom.

The Spirit has been working to draw my eyes away from the things that tend to press themselves on my heart as heavy burdens and remind me of goodness in His terms, not my own. This is helping me to have gratitude for experiences in the past that were painful that now are informing my response to situations in the present. Much of what I did not understand or could not live out in the past season is naturally occurring because subconsciously my heart and mind have come to an agreement on those events and that has transformed how I am able to function authentically.

On the same token, it is also gives me the ability to value my present struggles and recognize that they are ultimately transforming me to more closely represent my God-given identity, and paving the way for deeper joy not rooted in human experience, but the spiritual realm. This leads me to a place of divine communion with God's creation and the Creator himself that brings about a pure enjoyment of His blessing and goodness.

I feel the need to also add that I am still a student in these lessons. I know that as the journey continues there will be times when I embrace truth and times when I reject it. This is simply an aspect of my humanity that I cannot deny and will always serve as a reminder for my need for God.

"In the tradition of pilgrimage, those hardships are seen not as accidental but as integral to the journey itself." - Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak