Speed and Volume

Noise. It finds me even when I seek out silence.... Coffee shop music is playing in the background and pieces of miscellaneous conversation drift past my ears. Everyone wants to talk, no one wants to listen. People seek to self-medicate with useless noise, so they can keep forgetting what their true experience of the present is - pushing themselves deeper into brokenness and blindness by their unwillingness to face truth.

When my senses are inundated with daily static I find myself longing for quiet and solitude, but at the first taste of it I feel completely lost in trying to cope with the intensity of neglected thoughts and emotions. I'm torn between the undeniable need and the undeniable fear of sifting through my personal baggage. Carrying it around for so long I almost forget its weight and the impact it has on my journey, but in unexpected moments of stillness it comes to me - I am desperate for wholeness and peace and I feel called to a destiny of slow breathing and slow steps.

When I listen to my Father, really listen to Him, He is constantly beckoning me to slow down, to settle down, to stop even. When I am hurrying on my way I am often under the influence of selfish motive. I'm concerned about my time, my comfort level, and my success. It's easy to masquerade it all as "taking care of business" or managing obligations, and to even assign it a righteous or just cause.

Just turn up the volume and listen to a song that affirms the easy patterns of your mind, and soon you'll be miles away not sure how you got there and looking for another way to drown out new confusion or pain. It becomes unconscious habit.... It is so far from the peaceful living the Lord offers to His children every day.

Ever since the Lord first revealed to me his desire of this kind of lifestyle for me I have become aware of a whispering of His Spirit as He constantly tries to direct me there. Every once and awhile maybe after several hundred reminders and countless moments of panic rising within me I actually accept His words and make some small gesture of obedience. Even then I can feel the enemy nagging me to get back in the express lane. Just listen to the espresso machine or the clatter of silverware. Give up, go home, and re-enter the noise.

Jesus keeps winking at me though - the blinking yellow traffic light is reminding me to pause. Its as if He is trying to fill my lungs with new oxygen. It's harder to breathe when you slow down after such a long time of hurrying. More of life has settled in my chest, pressing against my lungs and provoking me to resist the process of entering into new life. Drive home with the windows down and the music off. Arm yourself with a notepad and pen. When a thought or feeling threatens to increase speed and volume, call it out and release it. Sitting amidst the whir of life fight the natural tendency to enter in and lose your footing. May Christ be your anchor, your light, your solace.