Soltera

Have you ever experienced a moment where a truth that got hidden in the messiness of life is once again revealed? That is a beautiful moment. It's like entering a wide open natural space and breathing deep. Your awareness of the process of taking in a breath and then releasing it is heightened compared to the day-to-day. Do we even think about breathing on an average day? Probably not in a deep, reflective way.... Yet change our environment and something that our biological self often does with no connection to our emotional self all of a sudden has meaning. It's meditative. It's refreshing. It's healing.

Recently God reminded me of something in my struggle with my singleness that refreshed my soul. I was encouraging a friend in regards to relationships when familiar words started flowing from my lips, words of comfort God had spoken over me just a few months prior. As I was sharing these thoughts a joy started to grow within my heart. The joy of reclaiming lost truth.

A few months back I was beginning to feel very settled here. I was making plans to move into my first apartment, I was feeling more comfortable and competent in my job, and saw new friendships forming. The only piece that was still missing was a significant other. I felt ready. The topic came up at work, among friends and family, and often became the theme of my thoughts. It became more of a nagging need that I felt compelled to fill by countless conversations hoping that some how one would spark a connection and lead to an introduction (a friend's friend or so-and-so's brother).

Time passed and I found myself very much still single and as frustration began to build I could see how it was distracting me from the rest of my life. I cannot place the moment that I heard God speaking into my life His truth on the matter. I only remember that it continues to resonate in my life and heart even if I don't always do the best to acknowledge it.

Beautiful and precious child, why do you fret so of things to come? I have a good plan for you and know the desires of your heart, but I long to bless you beyond what you imagine for yourself right in this moment. I know the pains of your heart run deep. That men have not treated you with the respect or kindness that you deserve. I cannot allow just any man to have your heart. No, that won't do for you my child. My blessing will be on a man that walks with me, a man of peace and quiet dignity, a man who will adore and affirm you, a man that will be committed to caring for your heart for the rest of your days. He will love you for exactly who you are. There will be no need to battle with worry or despair about the "rightness" of the relationship for I will join your journeys together in my peace and joy.

Empty

The leaves are fluttering wildly in the summer evening breeze. Shadows have almost completely taken over their form. The normally still and soft vegetation has taken on a chaotic appearance.

I can relate.... Unsuspecting wind and shadow are causing turbulence in my journey. My whole being is fatigued by the stresses and emotions of now. I have no words and nothing left to give. It's just me in this raw state and I don't want to do more explaining I just want to be embraced.

Some seem to think that talking is the cure. That the physical action of me saying what is troubling me will automatically restore me from my pained and burdened state. They still have expectations that I pour into them and their priorities and that I move on for the sake of efficiency.

I'm completely failing at being okay right now. There's nothing left. I can't even feign compliance to the normal societal standards of what it means to keep it together.

Speed and Volume

Noise. It finds me even when I seek out silence.... Coffee shop music is playing in the background and pieces of miscellaneous conversation drift past my ears. Everyone wants to talk, no one wants to listen. People seek to self-medicate with useless noise, so they can keep forgetting what their true experience of the present is - pushing themselves deeper into brokenness and blindness by their unwillingness to face truth.

When my senses are inundated with daily static I find myself longing for quiet and solitude, but at the first taste of it I feel completely lost in trying to cope with the intensity of neglected thoughts and emotions. I'm torn between the undeniable need and the undeniable fear of sifting through my personal baggage. Carrying it around for so long I almost forget its weight and the impact it has on my journey, but in unexpected moments of stillness it comes to me - I am desperate for wholeness and peace and I feel called to a destiny of slow breathing and slow steps.

When I listen to my Father, really listen to Him, He is constantly beckoning me to slow down, to settle down, to stop even. When I am hurrying on my way I am often under the influence of selfish motive. I'm concerned about my time, my comfort level, and my success. It's easy to masquerade it all as "taking care of business" or managing obligations, and to even assign it a righteous or just cause.

Just turn up the volume and listen to a song that affirms the easy patterns of your mind, and soon you'll be miles away not sure how you got there and looking for another way to drown out new confusion or pain. It becomes unconscious habit.... It is so far from the peaceful living the Lord offers to His children every day.

Ever since the Lord first revealed to me his desire of this kind of lifestyle for me I have become aware of a whispering of His Spirit as He constantly tries to direct me there. Every once and awhile maybe after several hundred reminders and countless moments of panic rising within me I actually accept His words and make some small gesture of obedience. Even then I can feel the enemy nagging me to get back in the express lane. Just listen to the espresso machine or the clatter of silverware. Give up, go home, and re-enter the noise.

Jesus keeps winking at me though - the blinking yellow traffic light is reminding me to pause. Its as if He is trying to fill my lungs with new oxygen. It's harder to breathe when you slow down after such a long time of hurrying. More of life has settled in my chest, pressing against my lungs and provoking me to resist the process of entering into new life. Drive home with the windows down and the music off. Arm yourself with a notepad and pen. When a thought or feeling threatens to increase speed and volume, call it out and release it. Sitting amidst the whir of life fight the natural tendency to enter in and lose your footing. May Christ be your anchor, your light, your solace.