My Story

I have been avoiding you all :) I was hoping that if I waited maybe my reality would change. Maybe I could just pass over these last couple of days in my recollections and share with you a much happier story. I came to realize though that I owe it to you all to give you a true account.

So for about two weeks I was flying high – life was good. Then just as suddenly as the contentment came, it left me. Situations came to pass that to me reinforced two painful thoughts 1) that I do not have value in the lives of the people here, and 2) that I am not beautiful. I would like to say that they are lies, but I have a hard time believing that. Although I dare not say that they are the truth either. All I know is that I feel like I am being shown that they are the truth….My heart is having a hard time believing otherwise. Please understand that I struggle to discredit these thoughts, more than anything I want to be proven wrong. I’m sure it is not easy to understand to where I am coming from, and maybe you are tempted to write it out off as exaggeration or pessimism but I would like to gently remind you that you do not know the whole story and you have not experienced it as I have. I have had enough time to think about this to process it reasonably. I want to let you know exactly what is going on inside my heart and mind, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, I do realize that people care about me here – my host parents, my professors, Violet…. But when it comes to developing further relationships with people within the community I feel like almost no one wants reciprocate my initiative with investment. I do not feel pursued as an individual, and that is something that I need. My gentle, easy going nature seems to be misinterpreted as timidity, seriousness, and a lack of interest. I have put forth an effort to show people otherwise, but it seems insufficient. There is only so much I can do before I start changing who I am. So…that is where I am at now. I am trying to keep my chin up and keep trying, but it wears on me when after so much time I can still hardly see a difference. I know this struggle is unique to me because Violet has had complete success in forming friendships. We have talked about it and we are both at a loss as to what I could possibly do differently. So I will keep praying and try to find strength in my God. At times though I fail to trust in His plan and the intensity of my emotions here seem to pull me down so I need your prayer too.

Now on to that second thought….. I will just say that I now realize how spoiled I was at GFU where I had someone telling me I was beautiful almost every day. I think it is something that every women needs to hear from time to time. Here that just doesn’t happen much for me….What I get more often than not is someone whistling at me while I am walking down the street, or someone yelling something out of their car window as they drive by. Sorry, but that doesn’t do much for me especially when Violet receives real compliments all the time about her beauty (so I know it is not outside of the cultural norm). Just the other weekend I got to stand by as a young man essentially told me that Violet was more beautiful than me. As you can imagine that did not help the situation. I know I may be coming across as jealous, but really that is not it at all. Violet knows that too. We have talked about it. Anyway, I feel the pressure to wear more make-up and dress up even when I am just walking around town or in my own home. And I don’t like that….

So here I am near the end of my week of vacation dry of tears, but hopeful still. I don’t want to worry all of you. I do enjoy myself here; it is just that these two challenges seem to resurface frequently and the have a significant affect…. I am hanging in there though, taking each day as it comes, and trying to remember that the story is not over yet.

A change of heart

Last week was an incredible struggle for me (and honestly my first two months have been a challenge)....I have been having an extremely difficult time accepting that people care about me here and really doubting that anyone actually wants to get to know me. I felt lost, alone, confused, sad, angry, frustrated....I think every emotion under the sun made it´s home in my heart last week, and sometimes more than one at a time. I couldn´t even express what I was feeling when asked because I had yet to figure it out for myself. I just wanted to retreat away from it all. I felt like all my dreams for my time here were fading away and that all I would be able to take back with me was my pain and frustrations.


And now? How am I know? I am in love with life. God makes all things new. All I can say is that He was able to work a miracle in my heart. Instead of holding on to a certain idea of how things should be, I have been more willing to experience and explore something different. I am just letting things go, and trusting that God has something beautiful in store for my time here. God has become more of a priority and therefore has had a stronger presence, and that in turn has affected every other facet of my life. I feel like I have a lot of joy and a lot more understanding in life. This is the happiest I have been since arriving here. I am going to try to push myself to step out a lot more from now on, and to take a advantage of the learning opportunity I have here.