God awakened me this morning with an excited urgency to enter into His word. The house was quiet and still and seemed to encompass everything I felt my soul needed to recover from a stressful week at work. I was very aware that despite my sense of personal victory in being at the kitchen table with my Bible open at 8 o'clock my heart was unfocused and a prayer of surrender followed....
It's almost amusing that even with the best of intentions I often find myself losing sight of the fact that this life is not my own. It's not about what I make it that brings me lasting joy, but living out the purpose that God has for me. Even when good desires direct my actions and emotions they still may disappoint and leave me feeling empty. I came across Psalm 37:4-7:
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noon day sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."
I've read this passage many times, but it seemed to present me with a new challenge today. It was as if in that moment God was saying to me:
Kristine, don't delight yourself in me because you feel your desires are not being fulfilled. Delight yourself in me because that is a natural expression of our relationship. When you do this you will discover genuine desires that I created you with, and that I will give you as you follow me in this life. Do not mistake desires of the flesh for desires of the heart. Those I make no promise to grant. In fact, I do my best to protect you from them because so often they leave you disappointed and diminish your trust in me. Stop trying to anticipate my blessing and let me surprise you with the unfolding of my beautiful timing. Wait in joy. I am with you and if your spirit is open to my generosity you will find my abundance in the present.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Bridge revelation
The other day I found myself standing between two bridges. Following their paths across the river and to the opposite bank I felt like God was giving me this mental image as a metaphor for life. I have been so consumed with figuring out God's plan for my life (especially since I graduated from college), convinced that there was an exact charted course that I needed to discover and follow in order to be in His will. Regardless of how much I wanted to be in His will and sought it out I felt a growing desperation and fear that some how I was failing to walk in it. I wanted it to be a clear message ahead of me, something that I could knowingly work towards and have confidence in. I was anxious that my faith was not great enough to allow me to catch a glimpse of God's plan for my life. That His will was something hidden, that I needed to work to discover.
When I was standing by the river with a bridge on either side I realized that God does not chart out every step of our journey. He certainly has a general plan - a direction He stirs us to grow in and ministries that He has gifted us for - but it's not to confine us but to set us free in the beauty of lives lived for their intended purposes. We have the freedom to make our own choices as His children. So I can cross the bridge to my left or to my right, they both move me in the same direction - across the river. Or I can keep walking along the river until I get to an entirely different bridge. That's not to say that all of our choices will lead us in God's will, but that God's will is not limited by our choices. If it's truly what we desire in our hearts then our decisions will strive to reflect that, and we will be drawn to shape our lives according to it.
As long as we are walking with Him it will be fairly difficult to walk away from Him. The freedom He gives us is an expression of His love for us. He's excited to walk on the journey with us and see which paths we choose to bring Him glory.
When I was standing by the river with a bridge on either side I realized that God does not chart out every step of our journey. He certainly has a general plan - a direction He stirs us to grow in and ministries that He has gifted us for - but it's not to confine us but to set us free in the beauty of lives lived for their intended purposes. We have the freedom to make our own choices as His children. So I can cross the bridge to my left or to my right, they both move me in the same direction - across the river. Or I can keep walking along the river until I get to an entirely different bridge. That's not to say that all of our choices will lead us in God's will, but that God's will is not limited by our choices. If it's truly what we desire in our hearts then our decisions will strive to reflect that, and we will be drawn to shape our lives according to it.
As long as we are walking with Him it will be fairly difficult to walk away from Him. The freedom He gives us is an expression of His love for us. He's excited to walk on the journey with us and see which paths we choose to bring Him glory.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The calm after the storm
It’s the calm after the storm. Yes – I meant to say after. I’ve been in the storm for awhile now. Today’s a rare day as the rain has let up to a drizzle, and the ominous grey clouds have finally relented to share space with the blue sky. So while conditions don’t promise full relief for the discouraged heart they do offer renewed peace.
It has been nearly four months since I have worked, and let me tell you, the process has left me jaded and questioning. I went from concerned but hopeful to disillusioned and confused. The latter has been my heart’s home for awhile, and the cause of many tears.
Since this blog has fallen from my priority list I will attempt to give a summary of the recent happenings in my life. Right before Christmas I moved back home hoping that it would be a temporary arrangement. While being home brought the comfort of having my family near and the blessing of time with them, it was also marked by loneliness and frustration. Two weeks after I had returned home I got several phone calls about interviews in the Portland area. I came back to the area enthused, but my optimism was soon thwarted as I encountered one stressful situation after the next.
While good things have come out of my time here, a temp job and several interviews still in progress, it has been difficult not having a home base or a known timeline to plan by. Friends have been occupied and/or limited by their own lives and circumstances (which is understandable), which has left me to hash out details for a place to stay and transportation multiple times. The inconsistency of this routine has left me with an unsettled spirit.
So now you may be wondering why at the beginning of this post I claimed that it was the calm after the storm. My life still appears to be in torrential downpour mode, right? Well, as l became increasingly more overwhelmed with my situation I began to be vulnerable with others about my absolute need for prayer as I felt my heart sinking into a stubborn depression. Most of that dialogue took place yesterday, and today God’s has been faithful to respond to the prayers of my loved ones. The difference between today and yesterday - undeniable. I am baffled at the fact that I suddenly feel at peace despite little change in circumstances, and am quite amazed at God’s swift action on my behalf.
It has been nearly four months since I have worked, and let me tell you, the process has left me jaded and questioning. I went from concerned but hopeful to disillusioned and confused. The latter has been my heart’s home for awhile, and the cause of many tears.
Since this blog has fallen from my priority list I will attempt to give a summary of the recent happenings in my life. Right before Christmas I moved back home hoping that it would be a temporary arrangement. While being home brought the comfort of having my family near and the blessing of time with them, it was also marked by loneliness and frustration. Two weeks after I had returned home I got several phone calls about interviews in the Portland area. I came back to the area enthused, but my optimism was soon thwarted as I encountered one stressful situation after the next.
While good things have come out of my time here, a temp job and several interviews still in progress, it has been difficult not having a home base or a known timeline to plan by. Friends have been occupied and/or limited by their own lives and circumstances (which is understandable), which has left me to hash out details for a place to stay and transportation multiple times. The inconsistency of this routine has left me with an unsettled spirit.
So now you may be wondering why at the beginning of this post I claimed that it was the calm after the storm. My life still appears to be in torrential downpour mode, right? Well, as l became increasingly more overwhelmed with my situation I began to be vulnerable with others about my absolute need for prayer as I felt my heart sinking into a stubborn depression. Most of that dialogue took place yesterday, and today God’s has been faithful to respond to the prayers of my loved ones. The difference between today and yesterday - undeniable. I am baffled at the fact that I suddenly feel at peace despite little change in circumstances, and am quite amazed at God’s swift action on my behalf.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
