At any rate, I've found those questions still stirring in my heart and mind - almost a challenge of sorts. Mostly, I believe because I have not done well in living authentically lately, not on purpose but more as a side effect of my current priorities and preoccupations. It seems that within the context of any major transition we have to renegotiate self intentionally. In the experience of a new environment, a new community, and new occupation I am challenged to make sense of the unfamiliar and grow in necessary ways. Who am I as a result of my graduate school experience? How do I know these emerging ideologies, values, and lifestyle choices to be true and good? What impact does that have on my calling and I pursue it?
Even as I formulate answers to those questions there seems to be further mystery in the application. There is a phenomenal difference between knowing oneself and one's God-given nature and living that out to its fullest capacity. Just because I know that I value and strive to practice vulnerability in my relationships doesn't mean that I successfully demonstrate it. I've always prided myself on being an open book and here I am realizing that...I'm not. Often I find myself trying to determine will my voice and story be valued, responded to, and invested in. If I can't say one way or the other with confidence, then generally I won't take the risk. I'm saddened I've regressed in this way and humbled in admitting it to all of you.
Here is the exhilarating part though: I have it in my very nature to live differently. I know that God has crafted me to be genuine and relational in a courageous and confident manner that speaks of the value I find in Him, not others. That means when I finally put aside untruths and chronic insecurities I will in fact find freedom and joy by living this way. That sounds like a more pleasant reality than suppression and caution. So how do I embrace that part of my identity with grace, still guarding my heart with wise stewardship, but also sharing self in authentic and unreserved fellowship?
I suspect it requires time and space and relationships (and permission for oneself to utilize those resources), which inspire self-awarness, mobilization, and accountability. That's where I keep losing my footing. Cognitively I reason to myself that I do not have those resources and affectively I respond to that misinformed perspective with intense resistance that ironically reinforces the untruth. In plain language, I become overwhelmed by my perceived reality which inhibits recognition of or action within my resources. It all seems so...cyclical.
So again, my question is how. As I have conversations with loved-ones, pray, read, and write I find an undeniable conviction to move with the Spirit. That will mean going against safety and comfort and at times choosing suffering. It will demand living out vulnerability as a broken person with broken people. I do believe that in that I will find a fuller life, one that more closely reflects Christ and resonates with who I was created to be.
For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.
- Galations 5:17
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2
Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.
- Colossians 3:9-10
