On the brink of a defining moment

It's week 10 of being unemployed. A dear friend of mine told me the other day that we often don't know what's best for ourselves, although we are quite convinced that we do. It's strange to think that perhaps all my efforts to find a job and a place to settle could be contrary to God's plan for me....I don't necessarily believe that to be true, but it does challenge me to consider how bent set I can get on one dream. It's hard to let go of dreams...especially when you've devoted a lot of your heart and energy to them. I have just enough vision to move in a direction, but unfortunately that leaves a very wide, undefined path. There has been a lot of freedom to chart my own course post graduation. Not to say that what I'm striving for is self-satisfaction, but that it seems God has given me wide open space to form into a meaningful life. So far I haven't come to a place of much definition.

I told myself that I would give myself a month to find a job and then I would move home. Now it has been a little over two months and I'm still in Oregon. I talked myself into it quite easily, my heart restless with the thought of any other plan, but now I'm on the brink of a defining moment. I'm going home for Christmas and if I don't have news of a job before then I will likely resign my job search efforts in Oregon for a time and venture into life, work, and play in Washington.

It's a slow process of unclenching my fists around that which they hold so tightly and finding peace and joy in a different plan.

The mystery of God's plan

I never seem to end up where I think I'm going. I try to surrender my plan for my life and hesitantly accept what I think God is nudging me towards instead only to realize months later that that probably wasn't His intent either. I walk towards one destination only to be spun around and turned in the opposite direction. I say all of this because I have been reflecting over the last couple of months noting how many times I have surrendered my desires and adopted an alternative path believing it was in God's plans and thinking it quite comical. Who knows maybe all my changes in direction have been His way of creating the bigger picture for me and each new plan has prepared me and somehow led me to what lies ahead now.

When I graduated I was determined to stay in Oregon, but scared of moving too close to Portland because I'm not a city girl. I had to get over that quickly because cities or suburbs of cities is the only place one can really find a job these days at least in the field that I'm pursuing. So I fell in love with Portland and decided that's where I would live and work for awhile. Once I made up my mind about that and was passionately pursuing my new found dreams God presented me with job opportunities else where. Naturally. He has to be up there laughing at me, right? :)

Currently I have interviews for jobs in Seattle, Washington and Omaha, Nebraska. I've also applied for a job in Phoenix, Arizona. There's no telling where I'll end up, only that it will likely be somewhere I'm not anticipating. Maybe the ultimate twist of irony is that I'll still end up in Portland since I have about 10 resumes floating around this city....

Why I choose nonprofit

When ever the topic turns to job hunting in a conversation, especially with today’s economy, I feel that more and more I am getting confronted with the question “why not work for a for profit?” If jobs are so hard to come by and I need the money (lots of it) to pay off my student loans why don’t I retire my dreams of working in the non-profit sector (at least for now)?

Reflecting on my experience as an intern here at Oregon Independent College Foundation I can tell you a number of reasons why I’m still pursuing a nonprofit career. You’d be mistaken if you thought it might be the luxury of having your office in an old dormitory or raising a million dollars with a staff of three. Charming nuances that bring a smile to my face and make for a good story, but not the reason I’m still bent set on having a nonprofit career.

More so, it’s the ability to feel that in selling your organization you’re helping people. Not in the superficial infomercial way that convinces people they need things they don’t really need, but in a way that addresses real needs present in society and offers a service to assist. I find myself being most passionate about my work outside of the office when I’m having candid conversations with friends about the struggle of affording higher education and the frustration in finding proper financial assistance.

I love coming to work knowing that I’m making a difference to someone. That’s what keeps me positive about the world I’m living in and energizes me to push through the challenges. When I can channel my past frustrations into a platform for creative solutions for the future it makes my struggles worthwhile and gives me motivation that will likely last a lifetime. I think for me personally it also allows me to be a better employee because it inspires drive and creativity.

The simple fact of the matter is that I need a greater purpose behind my work than just making money. I want to address needs not to gain stature and self-assurance, but because that’s what makes me come alive and I see it touching peoples lives every day. Part of it too, perhaps a more selfish motive, is that I want to enjoy my work and I know that serving people brings me joy.

I know that it’s not everyone’s passion and that there are certainly people gifted with talents meant for the for profit world and they can make a difference too. I don’t think there’s a superior choice, that’s not my point. I believe that individuals pursue one sector or another because it rings true with who they are – their beliefs, their values, their intellect, their talents. You see it’s not just my mind that is set on working non-profit, it’s my heart too, and that tends to be a powerful guiding factor in my life.

This is for my mom

I'm posting this picture for my mom because she's patiently listened and prayed about all the changes going on in my life right now (she loves picture updates). Even though it has been hard, I know it has been worth it for the way God has used it to shape my character. Thanks Mom, for all your love and support. I appreciate your willingness to let me go my own way even if it means we don't get to see each other very often.

I'm hanging in there, finding reasons to smile, and still love dogs more than ever :)

"...I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:10-11 MSG

Tick tock says the clock

Time is my enemy today. It keeps me entrapped inside this office. I keep willing it to move forward. It doesn't share my sense of urgency, my longing for a time so far down the road. It is content to meander from one minute to the next, always stopping to rest, to take in the view, not realizing that hordes of people everywhere are beckoning it to move faster. Just this once I plea. Okay, maybe this time and another, I add quickly. But time doesn't seem to have an ear for such things. It's stubborn silence leaves me only to reflect further on the matter (a strategic tactic, I am sure). To my dismay, I start to understand time's philosophy. Sure, I am sitting here in misery (severe boredom does bring out my dramatic side) with nothing better to do than write poetically about time BUT someone or more likely, a lot of someones, are enjoying this very moment and want it to last a lifetime. Cliche undoubtedly, but who is to say that cliche isn't just overstated truth.

Word to the wise, no matter how long you stick your tongue out at time it will not oblige you. So find a way to enjoy its pace and you'll be much better off. Obviously I have yet to discover how....

Where I'm at

I realized yesterday that if I am ever going to start directing people to my blog again I probably should post about where I'm at in life right now. My recent entries have been more of my mind ramblings, so to all of you who need a real life update and not just a rabbit trail of my thoughts, this is for you :)

I'm about two months into my internship with, Oregon Independent College Foundation, a non profit education management organization. My primary responsibilities are the creation and implementation of a social media plan, management of social media outlets, and the development of tutorial materials on using social media. I love OICF as an organization and am extremely passionate about their mission to serve students in higher education. Their core initiatives are: diversity, ethics, leadership, career workforce advancement, financial aid, and scholarship.

While I have been working for OICF I have been renting a room from a family in West Linn (about a 20 minute bus commute to work). It's a beautiful home right on the Willamette River. I have been very blessed by the family's generosity and hospitality. This living arrangement will come to an end at the end of this month and so I am currently searching for a place to live in the Portland area. My internship will run till the end of September unless another job comes along.

Okay...I'm going to post this even though I feel it's boring. Life is not that exciting right now unless being on the brink of unemployment and homelessness is what gets you fired up (bear with my sarcasm). But now you all know what's going on in my life, so don't say I didn't tell you ;) If this is the first post of mine you've ever read please do me a favor and read another. I promise it will be more interesting.

Seeking tomorrow

It's one of those days when hope sails high only to plummet back to the ground. One of those wishful thinking days when I imagine that the solutions to all my problems are easily within reach, and then I am reawakened to reality. Oh, it's still a sweet day. Certainly not despairing, simply a bit disappointing. It's my own fault though, I was trying to live in the tomorrow again. Dreaming about moving to the city, finding a new job, and falling in love. Such a silly thing to do....

I'm mostly happy you know, very thankful where God has brought me and what He has provided me with. He has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve. Funny how no matter how much I try to be content with what He gives me in the present I always find myself willing Him to bring me the blessings I desire for the future.

Seeking inspiration in the trees

The weather is having mood swings today. Rain. Wind. Sun. The grey stained skies encourage a sleepy mind. Even with a full night's rest I'm struggling to concentrate. The trees outside my window have me mesmerized. They heave and sigh, stretch out and recoil their branches, they are stilled momentarily only to be awakened again in an uproar.

At the moment they are the only object in sight that free me of monotony of my computer and encourage me to think creatively. Their distracting movements stimulate my mind and kindle energy, a resource I am hoping to maintain for this evening. I'm attending a dinner tonight that could potentially be a valuable networking experience if I am able to present myself well. Obviously that would mean in a intentional, focused, and confident manner, not with lethargy on my breath.

Ideally my interactions this evening will result in a job offer. At least I pray they do. My internship with OICF will last at most until the end of September and my current housing agreement ends this month. If I can't line up another job for September I'll have to make new living arrangements for that extra month while continuing to search for more permanent housing in Portland. That means I may have to move three times instead of two in a time span of 4 months, a notion I am not thrilled about. And of course all of that relies on my ability to find another job that also happens to be in Portland....

I might be coming across pessimistic, but I'm not intending to. This is just the reality of my current situation, which is why it is so important that I am fully present at the dinner tonight.

So trees, keep swaying.

Oh Monday

If ever there were a stereotypical Monday, it would be today. Not only did I over sleep and wake up feeling sick, but I also got to start my day by entering what I like to call the heat vacuum (the office I work in has no air conditioning and holds heat better than we'd like it to). Gravity seemed to be winning the fight against my smile. I knew my attitude was completely ridiculous, but I just couldn't snap myself out of it. There were a few key moments in my day that brought me back to reality. Here is the goodness that helped me find my smile again:

• A little old man with a walker taking his two dogs for a walk. He stepped out of my path as I was making my way to the office and said cheerfully, "Good morning."
• Being treated to strata and Stumptown coffee this morning when we got to the Leftbank Project (a rad, eco-friendly industrial building that rents out offices).
• Taking a tour of the building where OICF will most likely hold this years Ethics Bowl (another architectural gem in Portland)
  
• Finally hearing from Jennifer; my younger sister who is visiting relatives in Germany.

So what am I taking away? Mondays aren't any worse of a day than other days of the week, we often just choose to use it as an excuse for a bad attitude (or as I like to say "I have a case of the Monday grumpies").

Where joy meets laughter

I wasn't planning on getting up at 6 am today, but between my churning stomach and the cat's death cries it seems I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. Now that I'm up it is kind of exciting to have such an early start. I've always preferred getting up early and having productive mornings, but unfortunately my body normally does not cooperate. In the near coma state that I usually find myself in the mornings my mind only processes one message "sleep more!" :)

Anyway, this weekend I had the opportunity to spend time with two good friends, Stephanie and Natalie. Being around them made me realize that I don't laugh very much any more. Not because I've become overly serious or pessimistic, but because the routine of life doesn't really present situations that allow for it. Five out of seven days a week I go to work and then come home and chill on my own. Unless I have an incredibly amusing thought I likely won't be sitting alone in my room laughing to myself. Although on occasion it does happen.

Anyway, I wonder how one goes about bringing more laughter into life...besides of course hanging around funny people (that's not always an option). Or I wonder, is laughter something to strive for when pursuing joy? Laughing certainly feels good. For me, it's a release and an energizer...but perhaps its not a real indicator of joy. Can we live joyfully without much laughter? I want to say that they share some relationship, but not sure I would dare to say that it's a complete dependency.

Well, regardless of the tie joy and laughter share I know that I enjoy laughing, and what I enjoy brings me joy. So there you have it, my not so conclusive conclusion.

What are your thoughts?

Acts of kindness: the way to my heart

I strive to stay hopeful and optimistic even when reality doesn't suggest that as a normal response to life. I have been challenging myself to see the good in situations even if they are not ideal. The climatic lesson of this summer has been that amidst God's blessing struggle can co-exist, and it is really the attitude we choose to embrace that will allow the goodness to rise above the sorrow. The truth is that there is rarely a time in life when everything is exactly as it should be, but that should not hinder the gratitude we carry in our hearts.

I believe a part of keeping an eternal perspective is acknowledging and appreciating the small joys in my life. That's something that we hear often, but how often do we actually apply it to how we live? That brings me to the topic of this blog - acts of kindness. Yesterday I was riding the bus into Portland for the first time, for most people probably a relatively minor happening, for me a rather nervous experience. I kept worrying that I would get off at the wrong stop or miss my transfer. About 3/4 into my bus adventure a lady sat down next to me. I kept looking at the time on my phone and then out the window. She smiled at me and asked me where I was getting off. I told her and explained that I needed to transfer to another bus line afterwards, she let me know that I still had awhile to go.

When we were approaching the stop she turned to me and said, "this is your stop" and then explained to me where I needed to walk to in order to catch my next bus. I never asked her for help, but she recognized my concern and was willing to put herself out there and offer her help. Not only did her kindness alleviate considerable stress of my "first inner city bus experience" (I'm ridiculous, right? :)), but it encouraged me to have faith in people. Was her gesture a big public display? No. Was it significant? Most definitely yes. Next time I see someone in a situation where they seem stressed or confused I hope that I have the courage to offer my help at the risk of being wrong or being negatively received. I hope you will too.

Kindness - it's the way to my heart. Thanks bus lady, wherever you are, you made a difference.