Penny for your thoughts...

Almost 4 months ago I arrived in Mexico City full of dreams and expectations for my semester abroad, now I am a mere two weeks away from the end of my adventure here. One thing that is evidently clear is that God had a completely different plan in mind for my time here than I did. As many of you have journeyed along side me via my blog I know that you are all aware that my time here in Mexico has been marked by many challenges. In the last few months I have encountered many hardships and struggles that have often left me disillusioned and confused.

That said, I don't want my previous words to overshadow the fact that my experiences here have also been painted with much joy and beauty. Through my travels, my relationships, and my studies I have learned an incredible amount about life and about myself. In many ways I have been blessed by aspects of this culture. It has been a slow process of realization, but little by little I have grasped how valuable this season of my life has been. I am walking with new perspective and new vision; I am changed. Although I am still with some bruises and scars, God has brought me to a place of peace and contentment and I am enjoying my days in Mexico.

Well, I just wanted to share with you my thoughts as of late. Thank you for your care, prayers, and messages. It has been a blessing to share with you my journey.

Value life, it is beautiful

There is no denying it, I have been terrible with keeping you updated on my life this month....Sorry :) But here I go now, so I hope you can keep up.

You will be happy to know that much has changed since my last blog. About a week ago God sent me a wave of encouragement and support that truly lifted me up. Some people read my blog and responded with sympathy and concern, others were inspired by God just to check in on me, and others still I contacted to share my story with. I received many messages, emails, and letters during this last week that have brought me incredible joy and warmth. Thank you all for blessing me with your love and concern, it was really just what I needed.

In addition to the support of many loved ones, I also had a priceless conversation with my papa mexicano. My host dad is someone I have come to respect deeply in my time here, and someone that has taught me some incredible lessons about life. During our conversation he told me that I still came across as a very timid person (despite my efforts), and in Mexico often someone is more reserved is viewed as proud and that the people here don't take too well to that. He also brought to light something that has been key for me; he told me that when things aren't going well that is not the fault of the people that I interact with so why should I let it effect my interaction with them. In other words, if I am having a hard time I still need to interact positively with those around me and not let my problems take away from my experiences. He told me Kristy (that's what he calls me) when you are walking down the street hold your head up, greet the people that you pass, and smile because you never know how you might touch someone's life. He encouraged me to talk more and to make more of an effort to get to know the people around town because that's the way to really learn spanish. At the end of our conversation I promised to try harder even though I really felt I was putting in a lot of effort to begin with, and since that day he has kept me accountable. Every day at lunch or at dinner he asks me so how did it go? I know they seem like simple words of counsel, but they gave valuable perspective.



Anyway, now to fill you in on life since then! Two weekends ago Violet and I went to Mexico City accompanied by our program director Irma and Javiar the maintenance guy (although he opted to stay in the car most of the time). First we visited the Dolores Olmedo museum (the impressive house and gardens of a deceased rich woman that collected works of Diego Rivera). After we finished touring the house Violet and I spent some time in the gardens taking pictures :) Then we stopped in Xochimilco a place known for it's beautiful vividly decorated boats. We didn't have enough time to ride one, but we did browse the nearby market a bit. Next, we stopped at the house of Frida Kahlo. It was fairly interesting, but not extremely. Most of her works are in museums so it was mostly some electic belongings, and documents. Plus, there were just way too many people there! Lastly, we stopped at the zocalo for about an hour to shop for souvenirs. Overall, it was a really fun trip and we really enjoyed spending time with Irma.


Then last week Violet and I went with Irma to the central market in Cuernavaca to prepare for Day of the Dead. Day of the Dead is a mexican holiday where loved ones who have passed away our remembered and celebrated. It is tradition that alters are built in honor of the deceased and adorned with pictures, food, candy, candles, flowers, and much more. At the market we bought fruit, candy, and flowers to decorate the alter at school for Emiliano Zapata. Violet and I spent about two hours putting together that alter and unfortunately had to miss some class to do so :)

Also, last thursday I had another precious conversation with my host parents. I listened for nearly two hours as they expressed to me the importance of having confidence in one's self and how we can determine the value of our life by the importance we give it. It really is a matter of recognizing that God created us and our lives with meaning and purpose that far outshadows our insecurities or trials. They told me, value your life, it is beautiful.

My Story

I have been avoiding you all :) I was hoping that if I waited maybe my reality would change. Maybe I could just pass over these last couple of days in my recollections and share with you a much happier story. I came to realize though that I owe it to you all to give you a true account.

So for about two weeks I was flying high – life was good. Then just as suddenly as the contentment came, it left me. Situations came to pass that to me reinforced two painful thoughts 1) that I do not have value in the lives of the people here, and 2) that I am not beautiful. I would like to say that they are lies, but I have a hard time believing that. Although I dare not say that they are the truth either. All I know is that I feel like I am being shown that they are the truth….My heart is having a hard time believing otherwise. Please understand that I struggle to discredit these thoughts, more than anything I want to be proven wrong. I’m sure it is not easy to understand to where I am coming from, and maybe you are tempted to write it out off as exaggeration or pessimism but I would like to gently remind you that you do not know the whole story and you have not experienced it as I have. I have had enough time to think about this to process it reasonably. I want to let you know exactly what is going on inside my heart and mind, so please give me the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, I do realize that people care about me here – my host parents, my professors, Violet…. But when it comes to developing further relationships with people within the community I feel like almost no one wants reciprocate my initiative with investment. I do not feel pursued as an individual, and that is something that I need. My gentle, easy going nature seems to be misinterpreted as timidity, seriousness, and a lack of interest. I have put forth an effort to show people otherwise, but it seems insufficient. There is only so much I can do before I start changing who I am. So…that is where I am at now. I am trying to keep my chin up and keep trying, but it wears on me when after so much time I can still hardly see a difference. I know this struggle is unique to me because Violet has had complete success in forming friendships. We have talked about it and we are both at a loss as to what I could possibly do differently. So I will keep praying and try to find strength in my God. At times though I fail to trust in His plan and the intensity of my emotions here seem to pull me down so I need your prayer too.

Now on to that second thought….. I will just say that I now realize how spoiled I was at GFU where I had someone telling me I was beautiful almost every day. I think it is something that every women needs to hear from time to time. Here that just doesn’t happen much for me….What I get more often than not is someone whistling at me while I am walking down the street, or someone yelling something out of their car window as they drive by. Sorry, but that doesn’t do much for me especially when Violet receives real compliments all the time about her beauty (so I know it is not outside of the cultural norm). Just the other weekend I got to stand by as a young man essentially told me that Violet was more beautiful than me. As you can imagine that did not help the situation. I know I may be coming across as jealous, but really that is not it at all. Violet knows that too. We have talked about it. Anyway, I feel the pressure to wear more make-up and dress up even when I am just walking around town or in my own home. And I don’t like that….

So here I am near the end of my week of vacation dry of tears, but hopeful still. I don’t want to worry all of you. I do enjoy myself here; it is just that these two challenges seem to resurface frequently and the have a significant affect…. I am hanging in there though, taking each day as it comes, and trying to remember that the story is not over yet.

A change of heart

Last week was an incredible struggle for me (and honestly my first two months have been a challenge)....I have been having an extremely difficult time accepting that people care about me here and really doubting that anyone actually wants to get to know me. I felt lost, alone, confused, sad, angry, frustrated....I think every emotion under the sun made it´s home in my heart last week, and sometimes more than one at a time. I couldn´t even express what I was feeling when asked because I had yet to figure it out for myself. I just wanted to retreat away from it all. I felt like all my dreams for my time here were fading away and that all I would be able to take back with me was my pain and frustrations.


And now? How am I know? I am in love with life. God makes all things new. All I can say is that He was able to work a miracle in my heart. Instead of holding on to a certain idea of how things should be, I have been more willing to experience and explore something different. I am just letting things go, and trusting that God has something beautiful in store for my time here. God has become more of a priority and therefore has had a stronger presence, and that in turn has affected every other facet of my life. I feel like I have a lot of joy and a lot more understanding in life. This is the happiest I have been since arriving here. I am going to try to push myself to step out a lot more from now on, and to take a advantage of the learning opportunity I have here.

Reality Check

So life is "interesting" here....

This last Saturday Violet, Marie (another student at the school), and I went on a day trip to visit three Catholic convenants. They were all contructed in the 17th century and from the Augustine order. It was an enjoyable excursion for the most part, but it was a lot of the same thing....All three convenants were very similar in appearance and shared the same general history. We also visited another market in the last town we were in, which was fun (found some souvenirs). I know this is not a very informative description, but really this is all I have to say....When I got back home most of my family was gone at a birthday party and Abram was watching t.v. which I didn't feel much like doing so I retreated to my bedroom. I don't think I did much besides homework for the rest of the day.

Sunday I spent most of the morning by myself (Violet was in Tepotzlan with her family). I decided not to go to church because I was having some minor issues with my family and thus far church has always been a frustrating and emotional experience at the Christian center. I had a late breakfast with my mom and then spent the rest of the morning writing a paper for my history class and making a trip to the supermarket. Early afternoon I started on my laundry and mid-way through received a phone call from Violet. We decided to meet up at a local cafe and have a Bible study. We used the time to talk a lot about recent frustrations and then transitioned into our feelings about our faith walks here in Mexico. We are both feeling a bit discouraged and uninspired at this time....For me personally, I just feel very spiritually dry here. I was so convinced that I would come here and new passion would be awakened and I would continue to grow in my love and faith in God. In reality, I feel like I´ve moved backwards and come to a standstill. I know God is with me, but He feels so distant and foreign right now.

Anyway, Violet and I decided we are going to work our way through Romans and keep each other accountable. We are also going to look for another church. Please keep both of us in your prayers though - we need it. Besides a lack of spiritual fervor I am also missing home right now (family, friends, hugs (people don´t really give hugs here), the ability to express ideas exactly as I want, the ability to understand everything that is said around me, the comfort of familiarity). So any prayer, encouragement, advice, and "loving on" would be appreciated :) I´ll be okay, so please don´t worry. I just need a little more support right now.

Sending love and blessings! I miss you.

A wonderful weekend (San Miguel to Guanajuato)

This last weekend was extraordinary! Violet and I went on a 3 day excursion and visited three beautiful and historically relevant cities: San Miguel de Allende, Dolores Hidalgo, and Guanajuato. We left bright and early friday morning at 7 am. In total we spent 10 hours in the car that day. Our first stop was San Miguel where we visited the cathedral, it is the only cathedral in Mexico that has European gothic architecture. The city itself is a big tourist attraction and the home of many foreigners, so we heard a lot of english being spoken while there. Next was Dolores, we walked by the cathedral where Miguel Hidalgo (the father of the mexican indpendence) gave the famous yell that excited the start of the fight towards independence from Spain. We also visited the house where Miguel Hidalgo spent his early childhood. And then...Guanajuato!

Guanajato was my favorite city of the three and the place we spent the majority of the weekend. It is a city nestled in between the Sierra Madres. The houses are organized in a stair step manner, and vary in color from bright pink to sea foam green. The view of our surroundings was always breathtakingly beautiful and I loved walking around the city just to soak in all the maravelous sights. There was a lot of culture and history to take in, we visited a silver mine, la Alhondiga de Grandaditas (an important museum), and the house of Diego Rivera. That evening we also observed the independence day festivities. Violet and I also had some free time which we used to visit the local market and to play in the pool :)

Left: Violet and I inside the silver mine! Right: Violet and I being dorks....

Left: Beautiful downtown Guanajuato!!! Right: Violet and I at La Alhondiga de Granaditas (the original building were the Spainards took refuge from the Mexicans)

Just being silly :)

It´s a process!

Two weekends ago Violet and I visited Mexico City. It was fascinating to see a city so vast in culture and history. Our first stop was supposed to be at the National Palace, but unfortunately it was closed for preparation for Mexico's Independence Day (September 16). Next we wandered around the center a bit looking at the various goods sold by the street vendors (authentic mexican clothing, purses, hats, jewelry, toys, ceramics, etc). Carlos, our culture and civilization professor and general tour guide, was very patient as we milled around shopping and so forth. Next we went to the cathedral, which was absolutely beautiful....It was ornately decorated, similar to the European style and had a massive double piped organ. While we were walking around a mass was being held and the priest was singing a hymn - it was peaceful. From there we went to the museum of anthropology. It is truly a storehouse of information brimming with historical treasures. Carlos took us to the sections for the Aztecas and Olmecas, and then gave Violet and I free reign to explore. Violet and I also took a look at the section for the Mayas and the section for how the indigenous tribes live today (the entire top floor). It was all really interesting, but there was so much to see that after awhile my mind just shut off because it couldn't absorb anymore information.

It was a long day....When Violet and I got back into Cuernavaca I was exhausted and just wanted to rest up for awhile. Unfortunately, due to my extreme need for sleep I was a bit grumpy and antisocial upon returning home (Violet had the pleasure of putting up with me at that time). I went to my room to rest a bit expecting to go out with my brothers later that evening (Abram had invited me the weekend before)....Later that evening I realized that my brother were going out...but without me. I had been struggling with loneliness already, so this was difficult for me to handle. During dinner Roberto's girlfriend talked to me a bit one-on-one (I was having a really hard time at this point, close to tears). She asked me if I was lonely, but then was quick to add that I must have already made friends at the school. I told her that I was lonely, and that I had yet to actually make close friends. Her response was heartwarming, she told me that I had a friend in her and that if I ever wanted to go out with her all I needed to do was to tell Roberto. It was encouraging to hear, but at the same time I still knew that that night I would be alone. I broke down and cried again that night (all I wanted was a hug and someone to talk to).

The next morning Violet came over for church, but we ended up talking a long time in my room instead. She had been lonely during the night too so unfortunately we really missed the opportunity to support each other due to lack of communication. The rest of the day I tried to get some things done on my "to do" list, but only ended up hand washing some clothing and then I went to church with my host mom and Violet. Church was also a difficult experience. I wanted so much to worship God in song, but I didn´t know the words and just couldn´t catch on. I know that singing is not a necessity to worshiping, but it is a big part of how I worship personally. I stood there swaying back and forth to the music and silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I prayed to God and reflected on my time in Mexico. And that concluded my weekend....

This last week was fairly good, but one of the busiest so far. God blessed me with some wonderful experiences and a greater understanding of what living abroad truly entails. I realized that a lot of the "issues" that I had been struggling with were due to a lack of time. I have learned a simple lesson, and that is that learning the language, developing friendships, and nurturing my faith life in this new culture is a process - it´s going to take time and it´s going to require patience. I know it sounds obvious, but it just didn´t click before....It has given me a lot more peace with where I am at right now.

Well, Violet and I taught our first english class to spanish youth this last wednesday....It was interesting :) We went into it not knowing the levels of the kids and with few resources. We used the first class to evaluate the kids and found that we had two drastically different levels. I worked with Nemo and Andrea (both at the very most 5 years old) who were adorable but definitely as basic as it get in their english abilities. They actually don´t even know their numbers in letters in spanish so I am going to have to be very careful in what I teach them as to not confuse them in developing their native language. I think it will be very worthwhile though, it won´t be long until I am head over heels in love with those kids.

Thank you all for your patience with my blog posting! I just don´t get around to it as much as I should. I will post again soon to share about this last weekend (it was absolutely amazing)!