Being True

During a recent interview I was asked three significant questions - Who am I? How can I know? What should I do? While a demand for such transparency was somewhat terrifying (especially in the given context) it also spoke to my desire to be known and share my story. My answers were certainly not all they could have been, but held value nonetheless in demonstrating what parts of my identity I am focused on and what areas may be suffering from neglect.

At any rate, I've found those questions still stirring in my heart and mind - almost a challenge of sorts. Mostly, I believe because I have not done well in living authentically lately, not on purpose but more as a side effect of my current priorities and preoccupations. It seems that within the context of any major transition we have to renegotiate self intentionally. In the experience of a new environment, a new community, and new occupation I am challenged to make sense of the unfamiliar and grow in necessary ways. Who am I as a result of my graduate school experience? How do I know these emerging ideologies, values, and lifestyle choices to be true and good? What impact does that have on my calling and I pursue it?

Even as I formulate answers to those questions there seems to be further mystery in the application. There is a phenomenal difference between knowing oneself and one's God-given nature and living that out to its fullest capacity. Just because I know that I value and strive to practice vulnerability in my relationships doesn't mean that I successfully demonstrate it. I've always prided myself on being an open book and here I am realizing that...I'm not. Often I find myself trying to determine will my voice and story be valued, responded to, and invested in. If I can't say one way or the other with confidence, then generally I won't take the risk. I'm saddened I've regressed in this way and humbled in admitting it to all of you.

Here is the exhilarating part though: I have it in my very nature to live differently. I know that God has crafted me to be genuine and relational in a courageous and confident manner that speaks of the value I find in Him, not others. That means when I finally put aside untruths and chronic insecurities I will in fact find freedom and joy by living this way. That sounds like a more pleasant reality than suppression and caution. So how do I embrace that part of my identity with grace, still guarding my heart with wise stewardship, but also sharing self in authentic and unreserved fellowship?

I suspect it requires time and space and relationships (and permission for oneself to utilize those resources), which inspire self-awarness, mobilization, and accountability. That's where I keep losing my footing. Cognitively I reason to myself that I do not have those resources and affectively I respond to that misinformed perspective with intense resistance that ironically reinforces the untruth. In plain language, I become overwhelmed by my perceived reality which inhibits recognition of or action within my resources. It all seems so...cyclical.

So again, my question is how. As I have conversations with loved-ones, pray, read, and write I find an undeniable conviction to move with the Spirit. That will mean going against safety and comfort and at times choosing suffering. It will demand living out vulnerability as a broken person with broken people. I do believe that in that I will find a fuller life, one that more closely reflects Christ and resonates with who I was created to be.

For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 

- Galations 5:17

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 

- Colossians 3:9-10

Pilgrimage

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." - Job 36:16

The last few weeks have been flashes of light and darkness. Movement between culture shock and homesickness, and spiritual growth and joy in pursuing my calling. I have cried. I have questioned. I have found solace in conversations and reading. I have been inspired by the teaching of God's word.

Experiencing such a diversity of thought and emotion makes it difficult to neatly package my thoughts to present to you. I'm not sure there will be a definite conclusion or even clarity of thought, but more that this will be an avenue for me to process some significant steps of my journey so far.

I had been struggling with some very heavy anxiety in prior weeks. Last Sunday the Spirit led me to the right church service paired with the right conversation that churned my heart until it finally rested on peace again. I realized the severe pressure I had been placing on myself and am striving to choose a different approach. One that reflects quality work, but acknowledges limits and encompasses joy. I know it will be a process to find this balance, but I'm committed to caring for myself in that way.

I have already seen the fruit of that effort - life-giving laughter in the midst of my workload, realization of shared experience and desires amongst my cohort, regained focus on my purpose for being here, and increased perspective on how God desires to use me in this season. The last on the list is far exceeding anything I could have ever imagined... Loved ones, many of you, claimed that I was to come here just as much for myself as for others that I would meet. That truth is being made clearer in my heart every day, and while I feel that it brings with it much responsibility it also brings a new lens for seeing my personal impact for Christ's kingdom.

The Spirit has been working to draw my eyes away from the things that tend to press themselves on my heart as heavy burdens and remind me of goodness in His terms, not my own. This is helping me to have gratitude for experiences in the past that were painful that now are informing my response to situations in the present. Much of what I did not understand or could not live out in the past season is naturally occurring because subconsciously my heart and mind have come to an agreement on those events and that has transformed how I am able to function authentically.

On the same token, it is also gives me the ability to value my present struggles and recognize that they are ultimately transforming me to more closely represent my God-given identity, and paving the way for deeper joy not rooted in human experience, but the spiritual realm. This leads me to a place of divine communion with God's creation and the Creator himself that brings about a pure enjoyment of His blessing and goodness.

I feel the need to also add that I am still a student in these lessons. I know that as the journey continues there will be times when I embrace truth and times when I reject it. This is simply an aspect of my humanity that I cannot deny and will always serve as a reminder for my need for God.

"In the tradition of pilgrimage, those hardships are seen not as accidental but as integral to the journey itself." - Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Prosperity

It's one of those nights when I am keenly aware that sleep won't come easy, so I've given into my sleeplessness and decided to write. Please excuse my departure from the typical updates I've been providing as of late, and indulge me as I let my words carry me away to explore deeper thoughts (for those of you that have been following my blog for awhile I guess this won't come as a surprise).

 I'm sitting at the kitchen table with text books and notebooks surrounding me feeling a strange mix of accomplishment and inadequacy from a day committed mostly to studying. My mixed emotions stem perhaps from how I spent my evening.... which entirely consisted of indulging myself in mindless television viewing. A decision I regret for the discontentment it stirred up in my heart.

But ever so lovingly the Lord is intervening in my wandering mind and emotions drawing my attention to a homework assignment (of all things, right? :)) to help me regain focus. This morning I wrote about my spiritual background and the life experiences that have informed it, which is now serving as a reminder of how Christ has intentionally chosen this path for me and how beautiful it has truly been and is even when I fail to recognize it.

Ironically I'm studying the book of Job right now. I say ironically because in the past week I have seen my share of challenges, not that I can in any way compare my misfortunes to Job's sufferings. That's not what I intend to say, but only that it was amusing that I found myself there trying to regain perspective as I struggled to view my own circumstances in a righteous way. In my reading a particular verse struck me:

"Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you." - Job 22:21

Upon processing that it occurred to me that we are not prosperous on account of our circumstance or more specifically a change in our fortune or misfortune. We are prosperous when we submit to God and have peace in the now He is providing us with. If we can accept the present for what it is, recognizing that life is beyond our control or understanding, and choose to live joyfully in the abundance that is there (not that which is lacking) we thrive.

It's like the cliche illustration of children in third world countries who are happy and eager to praise the Lord despite unmet needs and injustice. Why? Because they understand a fundamental truth that the rest of us rarely takes into consideration; all that is good, all that is beautiful, all that is worthwhile is from the Lord and that does not change based on life events. That's constant. So then why do we justify an attitude or behavior that denies this and leads us to hopelessness? We are dismissing the prosperity that is being offered to us because it doesn't fit into our neat definition of the word.

Prosperity doesn't promise perfection. It lends more to tenacity and enduring joy and gratitude for what is given us in grace. It requires surrendering the idealistic view that goodness exists independently of hardship and that success defines our lifestyle instead of the outcomes of our journey. I don't say all this to induce guilt or disappointment. I'll be the first say I've failed in this area. I think I felt most compelled to voice this lesson as a reminder to myself and in hope that in the future this will inform my perspective.

My very own California adventure

Landscape near West Campus. The "A" is for the city of Azusa.

Azusa is a special place in that instantly I felt comforted and hopeful that I could call this area home for awhile. In some ways it reminds me a lot of the Tri-Cities. In other ways it differs greatly. I'm not sure that I can pinpoint exactly what makes me feel at ease here beyond that it just feels familiar to me and that God has been so intentional to start the process of weaving community together for me.

First day surprises :)

When I first arrived my time was mostly devoted to deep cleaning and organizing my belongings in the condo. There was a bit more work to be done than I had anticipated, but that's all taken care of now and I am very happy to with where I've ended up. I live near campus with three wonderful roommates (Laurelyn, Yazmin, and Saemi).

About two weeks ago I started my assistantship at the Center for Academic Service Learning & Research (CASLR). I was greeted on my first day with a welcome sign and gift (and my own name plaque!). The first few days were focused on just laying a foundation of what APU and CASLR are all about, and getting to know ourselves and our team (i.e. Myers-Briggs, StrengthsQuest, workplace values). There are several full-time, permanent staff in the office, as well as a total of five graduate assistants (GA's). I have really enjoyed the process of getting to know everyone. After the first week the supervisors and GA's went on a hike together for some bonding time.

From Left to Right: me, Adrian, Cindy, Rhea, Anthony, Stacie

Overall I have been extremely reassured about what a positive experience my assistantship will be by the thoroughness and intentionality of the training. The office supervisors want to build us up as competent and effective professionals and team players, but are also interested in knowing our stories and personal goals. Our theme for the year is "Journeying Together."

Last week was more independent for the GA's as we individually explore materials and procedures that have to do with our roles. My role as the Coordinator for Student Professional Development is highly focused around providing mentorship and growth opportunities for the undergraduate interns (a.k.a service learning advocates or SLA's). I am really looking forward to this role.

This week the GA's are participating in and assisting with SLA training. It has been an exciting and exhausting week so far, and with that I think I will bring this entry to a close :)

A snapshot of West campus where I will have most of my classes.

On my way... Almost.

The last month has been devoted to "see you later's" and I must admit I am a bit exhausted and sad from the process (although I am confident that both sentiments will pass). I've been in Oregon this past week reconnecting with some important people and spending many hours in coffee shops. While it has been time well spent it has also led my tired state... I've spent almost every night with a different friend and have been reminded that I'm not particularly fond of the vagabond lifestyle. I have also become increasingly aware of how blessed I am by my community of friends, family, and mentors in the Northwest and find myself missing them already.

That said, this coming Monday I will be leaving for California and am really looking forward to settling into my new home. No regrets here! I am fully confident that this is the Lord's will and have great joy in that. My friend Violet will be accompanying me on my travels down and staying with me for a week to help me get moved into the condo. I am so grateful for her generosity of time and resources as she shares the beginning of a new adventure with me.

I have been asked on several occasions what I am most looking forward to and what I feel most challenged by in the upcoming season of graduate studies and SoCal living. Although I don't always feel I have ready answers for those questions the process of hearing them multiple times has given me the opportunity to reflect on my hopes and concerns.

I am excited to be a student again. To study, read textbooks, and write papers. To intentionally and actively learn how to serve God's people better and develop into a competent professional that reflects His light. I am eager to start my assistantship and begin my journey in serving students as a career, as well as embrace the structure and guidance of a healthy work environment. I look forward to providing my undergraduate interns with support, encouragement, and mentorship, and to affirm their value and help them realize their potential. I am also excited to rest in where God has placed and be open to His teaching and blessing in this new season.

I know that I will also be facing transition with such a significant life change. I've been lovingly warned that I will be experiencing some major cultural differences moving from Eastern Washington to Southern California :) I am not a city girl and definitely prefer landscape to concrete and two lane highways to multi-lane freeways, but I know that God has led me here and trust that I will come to love SoCal too. If not for it's unique beauty and diversity, for what He works in my life during my time there.

Thank you for your love, support, and prayers! I am so blessed to have you as part of my story.

Lion's Heart

This past week I was blessed by the opportunity to reconnect with a precious sister in Christ. We sat out on her family's balcony in the glow of the evening sun and shared the joys and sorrows of the seasons we are journeying through. As I was leaving she spoke words of affirmation over me, saying that I seemed to be doing really well. I was so alive and strong - that I had a Lion's heart. I was so grateful for her words as they helped me to acknowledge the work God has been doing in me during my time back home. Even though the past two years have been a near-constant struggle marked by brokenness and frustration I now see an inner strength and courage emerging from the process. The Lord has made it clear that in the midst of trials that He has given me many sweet blessings and refined me for His glory.

Soltera

Have you ever experienced a moment where a truth that got hidden in the messiness of life is once again revealed? That is a beautiful moment. It's like entering a wide open natural space and breathing deep. Your awareness of the process of taking in a breath and then releasing it is heightened compared to the day-to-day. Do we even think about breathing on an average day? Probably not in a deep, reflective way.... Yet change our environment and something that our biological self often does with no connection to our emotional self all of a sudden has meaning. It's meditative. It's refreshing. It's healing.

Recently God reminded me of something in my struggle with my singleness that refreshed my soul. I was encouraging a friend in regards to relationships when familiar words started flowing from my lips, words of comfort God had spoken over me just a few months prior. As I was sharing these thoughts a joy started to grow within my heart. The joy of reclaiming lost truth.

A few months back I was beginning to feel very settled here. I was making plans to move into my first apartment, I was feeling more comfortable and competent in my job, and saw new friendships forming. The only piece that was still missing was a significant other. I felt ready. The topic came up at work, among friends and family, and often became the theme of my thoughts. It became more of a nagging need that I felt compelled to fill by countless conversations hoping that some how one would spark a connection and lead to an introduction (a friend's friend or so-and-so's brother).

Time passed and I found myself very much still single and as frustration began to build I could see how it was distracting me from the rest of my life. I cannot place the moment that I heard God speaking into my life His truth on the matter. I only remember that it continues to resonate in my life and heart even if I don't always do the best to acknowledge it.

Beautiful and precious child, why do you fret so of things to come? I have a good plan for you and know the desires of your heart, but I long to bless you beyond what you imagine for yourself right in this moment. I know the pains of your heart run deep. That men have not treated you with the respect or kindness that you deserve. I cannot allow just any man to have your heart. No, that won't do for you my child. My blessing will be on a man that walks with me, a man of peace and quiet dignity, a man who will adore and affirm you, a man that will be committed to caring for your heart for the rest of your days. He will love you for exactly who you are. There will be no need to battle with worry or despair about the "rightness" of the relationship for I will join your journeys together in my peace and joy.

Empty

The leaves are fluttering wildly in the summer evening breeze. Shadows have almost completely taken over their form. The normally still and soft vegetation has taken on a chaotic appearance.

I can relate.... Unsuspecting wind and shadow are causing turbulence in my journey. My whole being is fatigued by the stresses and emotions of now. I have no words and nothing left to give. It's just me in this raw state and I don't want to do more explaining I just want to be embraced.

Some seem to think that talking is the cure. That the physical action of me saying what is troubling me will automatically restore me from my pained and burdened state. They still have expectations that I pour into them and their priorities and that I move on for the sake of efficiency.

I'm completely failing at being okay right now. There's nothing left. I can't even feign compliance to the normal societal standards of what it means to keep it together.

Speed and Volume

Noise. It finds me even when I seek out silence.... Coffee shop music is playing in the background and pieces of miscellaneous conversation drift past my ears. Everyone wants to talk, no one wants to listen. People seek to self-medicate with useless noise, so they can keep forgetting what their true experience of the present is - pushing themselves deeper into brokenness and blindness by their unwillingness to face truth.

When my senses are inundated with daily static I find myself longing for quiet and solitude, but at the first taste of it I feel completely lost in trying to cope with the intensity of neglected thoughts and emotions. I'm torn between the undeniable need and the undeniable fear of sifting through my personal baggage. Carrying it around for so long I almost forget its weight and the impact it has on my journey, but in unexpected moments of stillness it comes to me - I am desperate for wholeness and peace and I feel called to a destiny of slow breathing and slow steps.

When I listen to my Father, really listen to Him, He is constantly beckoning me to slow down, to settle down, to stop even. When I am hurrying on my way I am often under the influence of selfish motive. I'm concerned about my time, my comfort level, and my success. It's easy to masquerade it all as "taking care of business" or managing obligations, and to even assign it a righteous or just cause.

Just turn up the volume and listen to a song that affirms the easy patterns of your mind, and soon you'll be miles away not sure how you got there and looking for another way to drown out new confusion or pain. It becomes unconscious habit.... It is so far from the peaceful living the Lord offers to His children every day.

Ever since the Lord first revealed to me his desire of this kind of lifestyle for me I have become aware of a whispering of His Spirit as He constantly tries to direct me there. Every once and awhile maybe after several hundred reminders and countless moments of panic rising within me I actually accept His words and make some small gesture of obedience. Even then I can feel the enemy nagging me to get back in the express lane. Just listen to the espresso machine or the clatter of silverware. Give up, go home, and re-enter the noise.

Jesus keeps winking at me though - the blinking yellow traffic light is reminding me to pause. Its as if He is trying to fill my lungs with new oxygen. It's harder to breathe when you slow down after such a long time of hurrying. More of life has settled in my chest, pressing against my lungs and provoking me to resist the process of entering into new life. Drive home with the windows down and the music off. Arm yourself with a notepad and pen. When a thought or feeling threatens to increase speed and volume, call it out and release it. Sitting amidst the whir of life fight the natural tendency to enter in and lose your footing. May Christ be your anchor, your light, your solace.

Morning Prayer

God awakened me this morning with an excited urgency to enter into His word. The house was quiet and still and seemed to encompass everything I felt my soul needed to recover from a stressful week at work. I was very aware that despite my sense of personal victory in being at the kitchen table with my Bible open at 8 o'clock my heart was unfocused and a prayer of surrender followed....

It's almost amusing that even with the best of intentions I often find myself losing sight of the fact that this life is not my own. It's not about what I make it that brings me lasting joy, but living out the purpose that God has for me. Even when good desires direct my actions and emotions they still may disappoint and leave me feeling empty. I came across Psalm 37:4-7:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noon day sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

I've read this passage many times, but it seemed to present me with a new challenge today. It was as if in that moment God was saying to me:

Kristine, don't delight yourself in me because you feel your desires are not being fulfilled. Delight yourself in me because that is a natural expression of our relationship. When you do this you will discover genuine desires that I created you with, and that I will give you as you follow me in this life. Do not mistake desires of the flesh for desires of the heart. Those I make no promise to grant. In fact, I do my best to protect you from them because so often they leave you disappointed and diminish your trust in me. Stop trying to anticipate my blessing and let me surprise you with the unfolding of my beautiful timing. Wait in joy. I am with you and if your spirit is open to my generosity you will find my abundance in the present.

Bridge revelation

The other day I found myself standing between two bridges. Following their paths across the river and to the opposite bank I felt like God was giving me this mental image as a metaphor for life. I have been so consumed with figuring out God's plan for my life (especially since I graduated from college), convinced that there was an exact charted course that I needed to discover and follow in order to be in His will. Regardless of how much I wanted to be in His will and sought it out I felt a growing desperation and fear that some how I was failing to walk in it. I wanted it to be a clear message ahead of me, something that I could knowingly work towards and have confidence in. I was anxious that my faith was not great enough to allow me to catch a glimpse of God's plan for my life. That His will was something hidden, that I needed to work to discover.

When I was standing by the river with a bridge on either side I realized that God does not chart out every step of our journey. He certainly has a general plan - a direction He stirs us to grow in and ministries that He has gifted us for - but it's not to confine us but to set us free in the beauty of lives lived for their intended purposes. We have the freedom to make our own choices as His children. So I can cross the bridge to my left or to my right, they both move me in the same direction - across the river. Or I can keep walking along the river until I get to an entirely different bridge. That's not to say that all of our choices will lead us in God's will, but that God's will is not limited by our choices. If it's truly what we desire in our hearts then our decisions will strive to reflect that, and we will be drawn to shape our lives according to it.

As long as we are walking with Him it will be fairly difficult to walk away from Him. The freedom He gives us is an expression of His love for us. He's excited to walk on the journey with us and see which paths we choose to bring Him glory.

The calm after the storm

It’s the calm after the storm. Yes – I meant to say after. I’ve been in the storm for awhile now. Today’s a rare day as the rain has let up to a drizzle, and the ominous grey clouds have finally relented to share space with the blue sky. So while conditions don’t promise full relief for the discouraged heart they do offer renewed peace.

It has been nearly four months since I have worked, and let me tell you, the process has left me jaded and questioning. I went from concerned but hopeful to disillusioned and confused. The latter has been my heart’s home for awhile, and the cause of many tears.

Since this blog has fallen from my priority list I will attempt to give a summary of the recent happenings in my life. Right before Christmas I moved back home hoping that it would be a temporary arrangement. While being home brought the comfort of having my family near and the blessing of time with them, it was also marked by loneliness and frustration. Two weeks after I had returned home I got several phone calls about interviews in the Portland area. I came back to the area enthused, but my optimism was soon thwarted as I encountered one stressful situation after the next.

While good things have come out of my time here, a temp job and several interviews still in progress, it has been difficult not having a home base or a known timeline to plan by. Friends have been occupied and/or limited by their own lives and circumstances (which is understandable), which has left me to hash out details for a place to stay and transportation multiple times. The inconsistency of this routine has left me with an unsettled spirit.

So now you may be wondering why at the beginning of this post I claimed that it was the calm after the storm. My life still appears to be in torrential downpour mode, right? Well, as l became increasingly more overwhelmed with my situation I began to be vulnerable with others about my absolute need for prayer as I felt my heart sinking into a stubborn depression. Most of that dialogue took place yesterday, and today God’s has been faithful to respond to the prayers of my loved ones. The difference between today and yesterday - undeniable. I am baffled at the fact that I suddenly feel at peace despite little change in circumstances, and am quite amazed at God’s swift action on my behalf.

On the brink of a defining moment

It's week 10 of being unemployed. A dear friend of mine told me the other day that we often don't know what's best for ourselves, although we are quite convinced that we do. It's strange to think that perhaps all my efforts to find a job and a place to settle could be contrary to God's plan for me....I don't necessarily believe that to be true, but it does challenge me to consider how bent set I can get on one dream. It's hard to let go of dreams...especially when you've devoted a lot of your heart and energy to them. I have just enough vision to move in a direction, but unfortunately that leaves a very wide, undefined path. There has been a lot of freedom to chart my own course post graduation. Not to say that what I'm striving for is self-satisfaction, but that it seems God has given me wide open space to form into a meaningful life. So far I haven't come to a place of much definition.

I told myself that I would give myself a month to find a job and then I would move home. Now it has been a little over two months and I'm still in Oregon. I talked myself into it quite easily, my heart restless with the thought of any other plan, but now I'm on the brink of a defining moment. I'm going home for Christmas and if I don't have news of a job before then I will likely resign my job search efforts in Oregon for a time and venture into life, work, and play in Washington.

It's a slow process of unclenching my fists around that which they hold so tightly and finding peace and joy in a different plan.

The mystery of God's plan

I never seem to end up where I think I'm going. I try to surrender my plan for my life and hesitantly accept what I think God is nudging me towards instead only to realize months later that that probably wasn't His intent either. I walk towards one destination only to be spun around and turned in the opposite direction. I say all of this because I have been reflecting over the last couple of months noting how many times I have surrendered my desires and adopted an alternative path believing it was in God's plans and thinking it quite comical. Who knows maybe all my changes in direction have been His way of creating the bigger picture for me and each new plan has prepared me and somehow led me to what lies ahead now.

When I graduated I was determined to stay in Oregon, but scared of moving too close to Portland because I'm not a city girl. I had to get over that quickly because cities or suburbs of cities is the only place one can really find a job these days at least in the field that I'm pursuing. So I fell in love with Portland and decided that's where I would live and work for awhile. Once I made up my mind about that and was passionately pursuing my new found dreams God presented me with job opportunities else where. Naturally. He has to be up there laughing at me, right? :)

Currently I have interviews for jobs in Seattle, Washington and Omaha, Nebraska. I've also applied for a job in Phoenix, Arizona. There's no telling where I'll end up, only that it will likely be somewhere I'm not anticipating. Maybe the ultimate twist of irony is that I'll still end up in Portland since I have about 10 resumes floating around this city....

Why I choose nonprofit

When ever the topic turns to job hunting in a conversation, especially with today’s economy, I feel that more and more I am getting confronted with the question “why not work for a for profit?” If jobs are so hard to come by and I need the money (lots of it) to pay off my student loans why don’t I retire my dreams of working in the non-profit sector (at least for now)?

Reflecting on my experience as an intern here at Oregon Independent College Foundation I can tell you a number of reasons why I’m still pursuing a nonprofit career. You’d be mistaken if you thought it might be the luxury of having your office in an old dormitory or raising a million dollars with a staff of three. Charming nuances that bring a smile to my face and make for a good story, but not the reason I’m still bent set on having a nonprofit career.

More so, it’s the ability to feel that in selling your organization you’re helping people. Not in the superficial infomercial way that convinces people they need things they don’t really need, but in a way that addresses real needs present in society and offers a service to assist. I find myself being most passionate about my work outside of the office when I’m having candid conversations with friends about the struggle of affording higher education and the frustration in finding proper financial assistance.

I love coming to work knowing that I’m making a difference to someone. That’s what keeps me positive about the world I’m living in and energizes me to push through the challenges. When I can channel my past frustrations into a platform for creative solutions for the future it makes my struggles worthwhile and gives me motivation that will likely last a lifetime. I think for me personally it also allows me to be a better employee because it inspires drive and creativity.

The simple fact of the matter is that I need a greater purpose behind my work than just making money. I want to address needs not to gain stature and self-assurance, but because that’s what makes me come alive and I see it touching peoples lives every day. Part of it too, perhaps a more selfish motive, is that I want to enjoy my work and I know that serving people brings me joy.

I know that it’s not everyone’s passion and that there are certainly people gifted with talents meant for the for profit world and they can make a difference too. I don’t think there’s a superior choice, that’s not my point. I believe that individuals pursue one sector or another because it rings true with who they are – their beliefs, their values, their intellect, their talents. You see it’s not just my mind that is set on working non-profit, it’s my heart too, and that tends to be a powerful guiding factor in my life.

This is for my mom

I'm posting this picture for my mom because she's patiently listened and prayed about all the changes going on in my life right now (she loves picture updates). Even though it has been hard, I know it has been worth it for the way God has used it to shape my character. Thanks Mom, for all your love and support. I appreciate your willingness to let me go my own way even if it means we don't get to see each other very often.

I'm hanging in there, finding reasons to smile, and still love dogs more than ever :)

"...I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:10-11 MSG

Tick tock says the clock

Time is my enemy today. It keeps me entrapped inside this office. I keep willing it to move forward. It doesn't share my sense of urgency, my longing for a time so far down the road. It is content to meander from one minute to the next, always stopping to rest, to take in the view, not realizing that hordes of people everywhere are beckoning it to move faster. Just this once I plea. Okay, maybe this time and another, I add quickly. But time doesn't seem to have an ear for such things. It's stubborn silence leaves me only to reflect further on the matter (a strategic tactic, I am sure). To my dismay, I start to understand time's philosophy. Sure, I am sitting here in misery (severe boredom does bring out my dramatic side) with nothing better to do than write poetically about time BUT someone or more likely, a lot of someones, are enjoying this very moment and want it to last a lifetime. Cliche undoubtedly, but who is to say that cliche isn't just overstated truth.

Word to the wise, no matter how long you stick your tongue out at time it will not oblige you. So find a way to enjoy its pace and you'll be much better off. Obviously I have yet to discover how....

Where I'm at

I realized yesterday that if I am ever going to start directing people to my blog again I probably should post about where I'm at in life right now. My recent entries have been more of my mind ramblings, so to all of you who need a real life update and not just a rabbit trail of my thoughts, this is for you :)

I'm about two months into my internship with, Oregon Independent College Foundation, a non profit education management organization. My primary responsibilities are the creation and implementation of a social media plan, management of social media outlets, and the development of tutorial materials on using social media. I love OICF as an organization and am extremely passionate about their mission to serve students in higher education. Their core initiatives are: diversity, ethics, leadership, career workforce advancement, financial aid, and scholarship.

While I have been working for OICF I have been renting a room from a family in West Linn (about a 20 minute bus commute to work). It's a beautiful home right on the Willamette River. I have been very blessed by the family's generosity and hospitality. This living arrangement will come to an end at the end of this month and so I am currently searching for a place to live in the Portland area. My internship will run till the end of September unless another job comes along.

Okay...I'm going to post this even though I feel it's boring. Life is not that exciting right now unless being on the brink of unemployment and homelessness is what gets you fired up (bear with my sarcasm). But now you all know what's going on in my life, so don't say I didn't tell you ;) If this is the first post of mine you've ever read please do me a favor and read another. I promise it will be more interesting.

Seeking tomorrow

It's one of those days when hope sails high only to plummet back to the ground. One of those wishful thinking days when I imagine that the solutions to all my problems are easily within reach, and then I am reawakened to reality. Oh, it's still a sweet day. Certainly not despairing, simply a bit disappointing. It's my own fault though, I was trying to live in the tomorrow again. Dreaming about moving to the city, finding a new job, and falling in love. Such a silly thing to do....

I'm mostly happy you know, very thankful where God has brought me and what He has provided me with. He has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve. Funny how no matter how much I try to be content with what He gives me in the present I always find myself willing Him to bring me the blessings I desire for the future.

Seeking inspiration in the trees

The weather is having mood swings today. Rain. Wind. Sun. The grey stained skies encourage a sleepy mind. Even with a full night's rest I'm struggling to concentrate. The trees outside my window have me mesmerized. They heave and sigh, stretch out and recoil their branches, they are stilled momentarily only to be awakened again in an uproar.

At the moment they are the only object in sight that free me of monotony of my computer and encourage me to think creatively. Their distracting movements stimulate my mind and kindle energy, a resource I am hoping to maintain for this evening. I'm attending a dinner tonight that could potentially be a valuable networking experience if I am able to present myself well. Obviously that would mean in a intentional, focused, and confident manner, not with lethargy on my breath.

Ideally my interactions this evening will result in a job offer. At least I pray they do. My internship with OICF will last at most until the end of September and my current housing agreement ends this month. If I can't line up another job for September I'll have to make new living arrangements for that extra month while continuing to search for more permanent housing in Portland. That means I may have to move three times instead of two in a time span of 4 months, a notion I am not thrilled about. And of course all of that relies on my ability to find another job that also happens to be in Portland....

I might be coming across pessimistic, but I'm not intending to. This is just the reality of my current situation, which is why it is so important that I am fully present at the dinner tonight.

So trees, keep swaying.