Empty

The leaves are fluttering wildly in the summer evening breeze. Shadows have almost completely taken over their form. The normally still and soft vegetation has taken on a chaotic appearance.

I can relate.... Unsuspecting wind and shadow are causing turbulence in my journey. My whole being is fatigued by the stresses and emotions of now. I have no words and nothing left to give. It's just me in this raw state and I don't want to do more explaining I just want to be embraced.

Some seem to think that talking is the cure. That the physical action of me saying what is troubling me will automatically restore me from my pained and burdened state. They still have expectations that I pour into them and their priorities and that I move on for the sake of efficiency.

I'm completely failing at being okay right now. There's nothing left. I can't even feign compliance to the normal societal standards of what it means to keep it together.

Speed and Volume

Noise. It finds me even when I seek out silence.... Coffee shop music is playing in the background and pieces of miscellaneous conversation drift past my ears. Everyone wants to talk, no one wants to listen. People seek to self-medicate with useless noise, so they can keep forgetting what their true experience of the present is - pushing themselves deeper into brokenness and blindness by their unwillingness to face truth.

When my senses are inundated with daily static I find myself longing for quiet and solitude, but at the first taste of it I feel completely lost in trying to cope with the intensity of neglected thoughts and emotions. I'm torn between the undeniable need and the undeniable fear of sifting through my personal baggage. Carrying it around for so long I almost forget its weight and the impact it has on my journey, but in unexpected moments of stillness it comes to me - I am desperate for wholeness and peace and I feel called to a destiny of slow breathing and slow steps.

When I listen to my Father, really listen to Him, He is constantly beckoning me to slow down, to settle down, to stop even. When I am hurrying on my way I am often under the influence of selfish motive. I'm concerned about my time, my comfort level, and my success. It's easy to masquerade it all as "taking care of business" or managing obligations, and to even assign it a righteous or just cause.

Just turn up the volume and listen to a song that affirms the easy patterns of your mind, and soon you'll be miles away not sure how you got there and looking for another way to drown out new confusion or pain. It becomes unconscious habit.... It is so far from the peaceful living the Lord offers to His children every day.

Ever since the Lord first revealed to me his desire of this kind of lifestyle for me I have become aware of a whispering of His Spirit as He constantly tries to direct me there. Every once and awhile maybe after several hundred reminders and countless moments of panic rising within me I actually accept His words and make some small gesture of obedience. Even then I can feel the enemy nagging me to get back in the express lane. Just listen to the espresso machine or the clatter of silverware. Give up, go home, and re-enter the noise.

Jesus keeps winking at me though - the blinking yellow traffic light is reminding me to pause. Its as if He is trying to fill my lungs with new oxygen. It's harder to breathe when you slow down after such a long time of hurrying. More of life has settled in my chest, pressing against my lungs and provoking me to resist the process of entering into new life. Drive home with the windows down and the music off. Arm yourself with a notepad and pen. When a thought or feeling threatens to increase speed and volume, call it out and release it. Sitting amidst the whir of life fight the natural tendency to enter in and lose your footing. May Christ be your anchor, your light, your solace.

Morning Prayer

God awakened me this morning with an excited urgency to enter into His word. The house was quiet and still and seemed to encompass everything I felt my soul needed to recover from a stressful week at work. I was very aware that despite my sense of personal victory in being at the kitchen table with my Bible open at 8 o'clock my heart was unfocused and a prayer of surrender followed....

It's almost amusing that even with the best of intentions I often find myself losing sight of the fact that this life is not my own. It's not about what I make it that brings me lasting joy, but living out the purpose that God has for me. Even when good desires direct my actions and emotions they still may disappoint and leave me feeling empty. I came across Psalm 37:4-7:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your ways to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noon day sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

I've read this passage many times, but it seemed to present me with a new challenge today. It was as if in that moment God was saying to me:

Kristine, don't delight yourself in me because you feel your desires are not being fulfilled. Delight yourself in me because that is a natural expression of our relationship. When you do this you will discover genuine desires that I created you with, and that I will give you as you follow me in this life. Do not mistake desires of the flesh for desires of the heart. Those I make no promise to grant. In fact, I do my best to protect you from them because so often they leave you disappointed and diminish your trust in me. Stop trying to anticipate my blessing and let me surprise you with the unfolding of my beautiful timing. Wait in joy. I am with you and if your spirit is open to my generosity you will find my abundance in the present.

Bridge revelation

The other day I found myself standing between two bridges. Following their paths across the river and to the opposite bank I felt like God was giving me this mental image as a metaphor for life. I have been so consumed with figuring out God's plan for my life (especially since I graduated from college), convinced that there was an exact charted course that I needed to discover and follow in order to be in His will. Regardless of how much I wanted to be in His will and sought it out I felt a growing desperation and fear that some how I was failing to walk in it. I wanted it to be a clear message ahead of me, something that I could knowingly work towards and have confidence in. I was anxious that my faith was not great enough to allow me to catch a glimpse of God's plan for my life. That His will was something hidden, that I needed to work to discover.

When I was standing by the river with a bridge on either side I realized that God does not chart out every step of our journey. He certainly has a general plan - a direction He stirs us to grow in and ministries that He has gifted us for - but it's not to confine us but to set us free in the beauty of lives lived for their intended purposes. We have the freedom to make our own choices as His children. So I can cross the bridge to my left or to my right, they both move me in the same direction - across the river. Or I can keep walking along the river until I get to an entirely different bridge. That's not to say that all of our choices will lead us in God's will, but that God's will is not limited by our choices. If it's truly what we desire in our hearts then our decisions will strive to reflect that, and we will be drawn to shape our lives according to it.

As long as we are walking with Him it will be fairly difficult to walk away from Him. The freedom He gives us is an expression of His love for us. He's excited to walk on the journey with us and see which paths we choose to bring Him glory.

The calm after the storm

It’s the calm after the storm. Yes – I meant to say after. I’ve been in the storm for awhile now. Today’s a rare day as the rain has let up to a drizzle, and the ominous grey clouds have finally relented to share space with the blue sky. So while conditions don’t promise full relief for the discouraged heart they do offer renewed peace.

It has been nearly four months since I have worked, and let me tell you, the process has left me jaded and questioning. I went from concerned but hopeful to disillusioned and confused. The latter has been my heart’s home for awhile, and the cause of many tears.

Since this blog has fallen from my priority list I will attempt to give a summary of the recent happenings in my life. Right before Christmas I moved back home hoping that it would be a temporary arrangement. While being home brought the comfort of having my family near and the blessing of time with them, it was also marked by loneliness and frustration. Two weeks after I had returned home I got several phone calls about interviews in the Portland area. I came back to the area enthused, but my optimism was soon thwarted as I encountered one stressful situation after the next.

While good things have come out of my time here, a temp job and several interviews still in progress, it has been difficult not having a home base or a known timeline to plan by. Friends have been occupied and/or limited by their own lives and circumstances (which is understandable), which has left me to hash out details for a place to stay and transportation multiple times. The inconsistency of this routine has left me with an unsettled spirit.

So now you may be wondering why at the beginning of this post I claimed that it was the calm after the storm. My life still appears to be in torrential downpour mode, right? Well, as l became increasingly more overwhelmed with my situation I began to be vulnerable with others about my absolute need for prayer as I felt my heart sinking into a stubborn depression. Most of that dialogue took place yesterday, and today God’s has been faithful to respond to the prayers of my loved ones. The difference between today and yesterday - undeniable. I am baffled at the fact that I suddenly feel at peace despite little change in circumstances, and am quite amazed at God’s swift action on my behalf.

On the brink of a defining moment

It's week 10 of being unemployed. A dear friend of mine told me the other day that we often don't know what's best for ourselves, although we are quite convinced that we do. It's strange to think that perhaps all my efforts to find a job and a place to settle could be contrary to God's plan for me....I don't necessarily believe that to be true, but it does challenge me to consider how bent set I can get on one dream. It's hard to let go of dreams...especially when you've devoted a lot of your heart and energy to them. I have just enough vision to move in a direction, but unfortunately that leaves a very wide, undefined path. There has been a lot of freedom to chart my own course post graduation. Not to say that what I'm striving for is self-satisfaction, but that it seems God has given me wide open space to form into a meaningful life. So far I haven't come to a place of much definition.

I told myself that I would give myself a month to find a job and then I would move home. Now it has been a little over two months and I'm still in Oregon. I talked myself into it quite easily, my heart restless with the thought of any other plan, but now I'm on the brink of a defining moment. I'm going home for Christmas and if I don't have news of a job before then I will likely resign my job search efforts in Oregon for a time and venture into life, work, and play in Washington.

It's a slow process of unclenching my fists around that which they hold so tightly and finding peace and joy in a different plan.

The mystery of God's plan

I never seem to end up where I think I'm going. I try to surrender my plan for my life and hesitantly accept what I think God is nudging me towards instead only to realize months later that that probably wasn't His intent either. I walk towards one destination only to be spun around and turned in the opposite direction. I say all of this because I have been reflecting over the last couple of months noting how many times I have surrendered my desires and adopted an alternative path believing it was in God's plans and thinking it quite comical. Who knows maybe all my changes in direction have been His way of creating the bigger picture for me and each new plan has prepared me and somehow led me to what lies ahead now.

When I graduated I was determined to stay in Oregon, but scared of moving too close to Portland because I'm not a city girl. I had to get over that quickly because cities or suburbs of cities is the only place one can really find a job these days at least in the field that I'm pursuing. So I fell in love with Portland and decided that's where I would live and work for awhile. Once I made up my mind about that and was passionately pursuing my new found dreams God presented me with job opportunities else where. Naturally. He has to be up there laughing at me, right? :)

Currently I have interviews for jobs in Seattle, Washington and Omaha, Nebraska. I've also applied for a job in Phoenix, Arizona. There's no telling where I'll end up, only that it will likely be somewhere I'm not anticipating. Maybe the ultimate twist of irony is that I'll still end up in Portland since I have about 10 resumes floating around this city....