Being True

During a recent interview I was asked three significant questions - Who am I? How can I know? What should I do? While a demand for such transparency was somewhat terrifying (especially in the given context) it also spoke to my desire to be known and share my story. My answers were certainly not all they could have been, but held value nonetheless in demonstrating what parts of my identity I am focused on and what areas may be suffering from neglect.

At any rate, I've found those questions still stirring in my heart and mind - almost a challenge of sorts. Mostly, I believe because I have not done well in living authentically lately, not on purpose but more as a side effect of my current priorities and preoccupations. It seems that within the context of any major transition we have to renegotiate self intentionally. In the experience of a new environment, a new community, and new occupation I am challenged to make sense of the unfamiliar and grow in necessary ways. Who am I as a result of my graduate school experience? How do I know these emerging ideologies, values, and lifestyle choices to be true and good? What impact does that have on my calling and I pursue it?

Even as I formulate answers to those questions there seems to be further mystery in the application. There is a phenomenal difference between knowing oneself and one's God-given nature and living that out to its fullest capacity. Just because I know that I value and strive to practice vulnerability in my relationships doesn't mean that I successfully demonstrate it. I've always prided myself on being an open book and here I am realizing that...I'm not. Often I find myself trying to determine will my voice and story be valued, responded to, and invested in. If I can't say one way or the other with confidence, then generally I won't take the risk. I'm saddened I've regressed in this way and humbled in admitting it to all of you.

Here is the exhilarating part though: I have it in my very nature to live differently. I know that God has crafted me to be genuine and relational in a courageous and confident manner that speaks of the value I find in Him, not others. That means when I finally put aside untruths and chronic insecurities I will in fact find freedom and joy by living this way. That sounds like a more pleasant reality than suppression and caution. So how do I embrace that part of my identity with grace, still guarding my heart with wise stewardship, but also sharing self in authentic and unreserved fellowship?

I suspect it requires time and space and relationships (and permission for oneself to utilize those resources), which inspire self-awarness, mobilization, and accountability. That's where I keep losing my footing. Cognitively I reason to myself that I do not have those resources and affectively I respond to that misinformed perspective with intense resistance that ironically reinforces the untruth. In plain language, I become overwhelmed by my perceived reality which inhibits recognition of or action within my resources. It all seems so...cyclical.

So again, my question is how. As I have conversations with loved-ones, pray, read, and write I find an undeniable conviction to move with the Spirit. That will mean going against safety and comfort and at times choosing suffering. It will demand living out vulnerability as a broken person with broken people. I do believe that in that I will find a fuller life, one that more closely reflects Christ and resonates with who I was created to be.

For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 

- Galations 5:17

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2

Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 

- Colossians 3:9-10

Pilgrimage

"He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food." - Job 36:16

The last few weeks have been flashes of light and darkness. Movement between culture shock and homesickness, and spiritual growth and joy in pursuing my calling. I have cried. I have questioned. I have found solace in conversations and reading. I have been inspired by the teaching of God's word.

Experiencing such a diversity of thought and emotion makes it difficult to neatly package my thoughts to present to you. I'm not sure there will be a definite conclusion or even clarity of thought, but more that this will be an avenue for me to process some significant steps of my journey so far.

I had been struggling with some very heavy anxiety in prior weeks. Last Sunday the Spirit led me to the right church service paired with the right conversation that churned my heart until it finally rested on peace again. I realized the severe pressure I had been placing on myself and am striving to choose a different approach. One that reflects quality work, but acknowledges limits and encompasses joy. I know it will be a process to find this balance, but I'm committed to caring for myself in that way.

I have already seen the fruit of that effort - life-giving laughter in the midst of my workload, realization of shared experience and desires amongst my cohort, regained focus on my purpose for being here, and increased perspective on how God desires to use me in this season. The last on the list is far exceeding anything I could have ever imagined... Loved ones, many of you, claimed that I was to come here just as much for myself as for others that I would meet. That truth is being made clearer in my heart every day, and while I feel that it brings with it much responsibility it also brings a new lens for seeing my personal impact for Christ's kingdom.

The Spirit has been working to draw my eyes away from the things that tend to press themselves on my heart as heavy burdens and remind me of goodness in His terms, not my own. This is helping me to have gratitude for experiences in the past that were painful that now are informing my response to situations in the present. Much of what I did not understand or could not live out in the past season is naturally occurring because subconsciously my heart and mind have come to an agreement on those events and that has transformed how I am able to function authentically.

On the same token, it is also gives me the ability to value my present struggles and recognize that they are ultimately transforming me to more closely represent my God-given identity, and paving the way for deeper joy not rooted in human experience, but the spiritual realm. This leads me to a place of divine communion with God's creation and the Creator himself that brings about a pure enjoyment of His blessing and goodness.

I feel the need to also add that I am still a student in these lessons. I know that as the journey continues there will be times when I embrace truth and times when I reject it. This is simply an aspect of my humanity that I cannot deny and will always serve as a reminder for my need for God.

"In the tradition of pilgrimage, those hardships are seen not as accidental but as integral to the journey itself." - Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak

Prosperity

It's one of those nights when I am keenly aware that sleep won't come easy, so I've given into my sleeplessness and decided to write. Please excuse my departure from the typical updates I've been providing as of late, and indulge me as I let my words carry me away to explore deeper thoughts (for those of you that have been following my blog for awhile I guess this won't come as a surprise).

 I'm sitting at the kitchen table with text books and notebooks surrounding me feeling a strange mix of accomplishment and inadequacy from a day committed mostly to studying. My mixed emotions stem perhaps from how I spent my evening.... which entirely consisted of indulging myself in mindless television viewing. A decision I regret for the discontentment it stirred up in my heart.

But ever so lovingly the Lord is intervening in my wandering mind and emotions drawing my attention to a homework assignment (of all things, right? :)) to help me regain focus. This morning I wrote about my spiritual background and the life experiences that have informed it, which is now serving as a reminder of how Christ has intentionally chosen this path for me and how beautiful it has truly been and is even when I fail to recognize it.

Ironically I'm studying the book of Job right now. I say ironically because in the past week I have seen my share of challenges, not that I can in any way compare my misfortunes to Job's sufferings. That's not what I intend to say, but only that it was amusing that I found myself there trying to regain perspective as I struggled to view my own circumstances in a righteous way. In my reading a particular verse struck me:

"Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you." - Job 22:21

Upon processing that it occurred to me that we are not prosperous on account of our circumstance or more specifically a change in our fortune or misfortune. We are prosperous when we submit to God and have peace in the now He is providing us with. If we can accept the present for what it is, recognizing that life is beyond our control or understanding, and choose to live joyfully in the abundance that is there (not that which is lacking) we thrive.

It's like the cliche illustration of children in third world countries who are happy and eager to praise the Lord despite unmet needs and injustice. Why? Because they understand a fundamental truth that the rest of us rarely takes into consideration; all that is good, all that is beautiful, all that is worthwhile is from the Lord and that does not change based on life events. That's constant. So then why do we justify an attitude or behavior that denies this and leads us to hopelessness? We are dismissing the prosperity that is being offered to us because it doesn't fit into our neat definition of the word.

Prosperity doesn't promise perfection. It lends more to tenacity and enduring joy and gratitude for what is given us in grace. It requires surrendering the idealistic view that goodness exists independently of hardship and that success defines our lifestyle instead of the outcomes of our journey. I don't say all this to induce guilt or disappointment. I'll be the first say I've failed in this area. I think I felt most compelled to voice this lesson as a reminder to myself and in hope that in the future this will inform my perspective.

My very own California adventure

Landscape near West Campus. The "A" is for the city of Azusa.

Azusa is a special place in that instantly I felt comforted and hopeful that I could call this area home for awhile. In some ways it reminds me a lot of the Tri-Cities. In other ways it differs greatly. I'm not sure that I can pinpoint exactly what makes me feel at ease here beyond that it just feels familiar to me and that God has been so intentional to start the process of weaving community together for me.

First day surprises :)

When I first arrived my time was mostly devoted to deep cleaning and organizing my belongings in the condo. There was a bit more work to be done than I had anticipated, but that's all taken care of now and I am very happy to with where I've ended up. I live near campus with three wonderful roommates (Laurelyn, Yazmin, and Saemi).

About two weeks ago I started my assistantship at the Center for Academic Service Learning & Research (CASLR). I was greeted on my first day with a welcome sign and gift (and my own name plaque!). The first few days were focused on just laying a foundation of what APU and CASLR are all about, and getting to know ourselves and our team (i.e. Myers-Briggs, StrengthsQuest, workplace values). There are several full-time, permanent staff in the office, as well as a total of five graduate assistants (GA's). I have really enjoyed the process of getting to know everyone. After the first week the supervisors and GA's went on a hike together for some bonding time.

From Left to Right: me, Adrian, Cindy, Rhea, Anthony, Stacie

Overall I have been extremely reassured about what a positive experience my assistantship will be by the thoroughness and intentionality of the training. The office supervisors want to build us up as competent and effective professionals and team players, but are also interested in knowing our stories and personal goals. Our theme for the year is "Journeying Together."

Last week was more independent for the GA's as we individually explore materials and procedures that have to do with our roles. My role as the Coordinator for Student Professional Development is highly focused around providing mentorship and growth opportunities for the undergraduate interns (a.k.a service learning advocates or SLA's). I am really looking forward to this role.

This week the GA's are participating in and assisting with SLA training. It has been an exciting and exhausting week so far, and with that I think I will bring this entry to a close :)

A snapshot of West campus where I will have most of my classes.

On my way... Almost.

The last month has been devoted to "see you later's" and I must admit I am a bit exhausted and sad from the process (although I am confident that both sentiments will pass). I've been in Oregon this past week reconnecting with some important people and spending many hours in coffee shops. While it has been time well spent it has also led my tired state... I've spent almost every night with a different friend and have been reminded that I'm not particularly fond of the vagabond lifestyle. I have also become increasingly aware of how blessed I am by my community of friends, family, and mentors in the Northwest and find myself missing them already.

That said, this coming Monday I will be leaving for California and am really looking forward to settling into my new home. No regrets here! I am fully confident that this is the Lord's will and have great joy in that. My friend Violet will be accompanying me on my travels down and staying with me for a week to help me get moved into the condo. I am so grateful for her generosity of time and resources as she shares the beginning of a new adventure with me.

I have been asked on several occasions what I am most looking forward to and what I feel most challenged by in the upcoming season of graduate studies and SoCal living. Although I don't always feel I have ready answers for those questions the process of hearing them multiple times has given me the opportunity to reflect on my hopes and concerns.

I am excited to be a student again. To study, read textbooks, and write papers. To intentionally and actively learn how to serve God's people better and develop into a competent professional that reflects His light. I am eager to start my assistantship and begin my journey in serving students as a career, as well as embrace the structure and guidance of a healthy work environment. I look forward to providing my undergraduate interns with support, encouragement, and mentorship, and to affirm their value and help them realize their potential. I am also excited to rest in where God has placed and be open to His teaching and blessing in this new season.

I know that I will also be facing transition with such a significant life change. I've been lovingly warned that I will be experiencing some major cultural differences moving from Eastern Washington to Southern California :) I am not a city girl and definitely prefer landscape to concrete and two lane highways to multi-lane freeways, but I know that God has led me here and trust that I will come to love SoCal too. If not for it's unique beauty and diversity, for what He works in my life during my time there.

Thank you for your love, support, and prayers! I am so blessed to have you as part of my story.

Lion's Heart

This past week I was blessed by the opportunity to reconnect with a precious sister in Christ. We sat out on her family's balcony in the glow of the evening sun and shared the joys and sorrows of the seasons we are journeying through. As I was leaving she spoke words of affirmation over me, saying that I seemed to be doing really well. I was so alive and strong - that I had a Lion's heart. I was so grateful for her words as they helped me to acknowledge the work God has been doing in me during my time back home. Even though the past two years have been a near-constant struggle marked by brokenness and frustration I now see an inner strength and courage emerging from the process. The Lord has made it clear that in the midst of trials that He has given me many sweet blessings and refined me for His glory.

Soltera

Have you ever experienced a moment where a truth that got hidden in the messiness of life is once again revealed? That is a beautiful moment. It's like entering a wide open natural space and breathing deep. Your awareness of the process of taking in a breath and then releasing it is heightened compared to the day-to-day. Do we even think about breathing on an average day? Probably not in a deep, reflective way.... Yet change our environment and something that our biological self often does with no connection to our emotional self all of a sudden has meaning. It's meditative. It's refreshing. It's healing.

Recently God reminded me of something in my struggle with my singleness that refreshed my soul. I was encouraging a friend in regards to relationships when familiar words started flowing from my lips, words of comfort God had spoken over me just a few months prior. As I was sharing these thoughts a joy started to grow within my heart. The joy of reclaiming lost truth.

A few months back I was beginning to feel very settled here. I was making plans to move into my first apartment, I was feeling more comfortable and competent in my job, and saw new friendships forming. The only piece that was still missing was a significant other. I felt ready. The topic came up at work, among friends and family, and often became the theme of my thoughts. It became more of a nagging need that I felt compelled to fill by countless conversations hoping that some how one would spark a connection and lead to an introduction (a friend's friend or so-and-so's brother).

Time passed and I found myself very much still single and as frustration began to build I could see how it was distracting me from the rest of my life. I cannot place the moment that I heard God speaking into my life His truth on the matter. I only remember that it continues to resonate in my life and heart even if I don't always do the best to acknowledge it.

Beautiful and precious child, why do you fret so of things to come? I have a good plan for you and know the desires of your heart, but I long to bless you beyond what you imagine for yourself right in this moment. I know the pains of your heart run deep. That men have not treated you with the respect or kindness that you deserve. I cannot allow just any man to have your heart. No, that won't do for you my child. My blessing will be on a man that walks with me, a man of peace and quiet dignity, a man who will adore and affirm you, a man that will be committed to caring for your heart for the rest of your days. He will love you for exactly who you are. There will be no need to battle with worry or despair about the "rightness" of the relationship for I will join your journeys together in my peace and joy.